My dad basically revealed to me that he has always suffered from the same symptoms as me since he was a child. He admitted he used to deal with the fear by sleeping with his parents/grandparents well past childhood. So I do in fact have family history. I had always suspected he was the source given his similar sleep issues but he confirmed it. I think it was really meaningful that he shared all of that with me. He is also very supportive and says I can knock on his door whatever time at night and he will help me get through whatever it is. Unfortunately that is incredibly difficult for me to do as I’ve dealt with it for so long on my own.
I wonder how far back this goes. It’s very curious. Anyways I love my dad. He definitely has his flaws-big ones-but he’s a very good man under it all.
So in total 3 people in my family are afflicted w this, him me and my younger brother. He said he talked with my younger brother about it too, and I did as well so I hope he can get more support than I did growing up. I’m glad we can all be more open about it now.
Did they describe what they experienced in detail, ie full blown visual hallucinations, negative symptoms etc? It’s important to get the full story with mental illness, especially as it impacts family members. We often get similar outcomes to them on account of shared genetics.
He was more vague, it is very stigmatized in our family and something he hid for a very long time so I didn’t want to push him I hope he will open up more in time. He talks of having often experienced extreme fear at night, also hinted at having thought demons were after him (again despite not having come from a very religious background same as me, which I find curious), not being able to discern what was real and what wasn’t, and having the same sleep related issues as me. He prefers to call it an “extremely overactive imagination” rather than psychosis which I understand.
However I have openly discussed a lot of my experiences in greater detail and he was very clear that he had been through the same things, even if he didn’t feel comfortable going into the same level of detail.
As for my little brother he has had a lot of the same verbal hallucinations as I had in the past, hinted at fear of ghosts being around, has slept with weapons by his bed like I have in the past out of fear, also has sleep issues, etc. Other than that he has been somewhat vague as well. Again I don’t blame them, opening up about these things is very new for my family, I’m sort of the one who opened the door to doing so.
It is also very clear to me that my dad has the same mood component as I do, however I am not sure if my younger brother is the same. So I am not sure if that is an unrelated issue. Then again, I first began to really develop the mood component when I was my younger brother’s age, so he may just now be experiencing it or may start to shortly. I’m not sure. I just want him to be educated and let him know I’m there for him.
The things you describe, the nightmares, being terrorized by creatures, intrusive thoughts and so on. Hmm, I don’t know your family’s collective attitude toward things like that, but those are things you don’t describe vaguely, much less bottle up. What difference is there between you and your father where he is able to act normally while having these experiences? Do you act normally? You certainly don’t feel normal when your symptoms flare up.
I try and look at it like a psychiatrist reading a mental history. Are there signs of mood symptoms, cognitive impairment etc. most people with psychotic disorders have stories about when they were at their worst. Which behaviors did the individual manifest which were out of the ordinary. What does that indicate is going wrong?
The fact that he’s functioned all these years without meds is also relevant. Did he grow out of his night terrors. Is it possible he has gone into remission? Can you hope for the same?
That’s the thing is that all of us are able to function fairly decently even off medication. We can all outwardly appear normal. For me I can be going through the absolute worst things and still act normal outwardly, though my functioning in certain areas suffers and I isolate myself a lot when it goes on and if not allowed to isolate may be extremely moody. Life is also hellish off all medication, for me anyways, and often I can see my dad suffering under his symptoms and all of us have suffered from his mood symptoms.
From what he was saying he has developed a lot of coping skills and has basically learned to live with it. However he says he still has sleep issues and many restless nights. So it was somewhat unclear as to whether he is still experiencing frightening symptoms or not. I know once gaining insight and developing coping mechanisms my illness has become much easier to manage and live with. The mood component I have to be on medication for because it is too dangerous for me not to be on it. To be honest I think mood stabilizers would also greatly benefit my dad though I don’t think he would ever agree to go on them.
Really this whole disorder thing is baffling to me.
Off meds my life is a nightmare. I get anxiety at absolutely everything even the most trivial things like showering or getting dressed, whatever. I’ll worry about everything, I once sat for hours in the shower worrying about small details going years into the future. Everything seems to take a tremendous amount of effort. I can end up paralyzed in bed for hours. At one particularly low point I could not move from my bed an entire day, and even when the sun went down could not bring myself to turn on the light which was right by my bed and instead laid there in the dark until my roommate got back and turned it on. I won’t shower for days or get dressed because of the effort it requires. I’ve gone months without brushing my teeth. I won’t clean and my room gets absolutely disastrous. I get constant extreme mood swings where I can feel very happy and like life is great one moment to furiously murderously angry to deeply depressed wanting to die and back again like that. I can also get just full blown depressive episodes that last anywhere from 2 weeks (these are usually extreme and are painful to the equivalent of being boiled alive-I often become suicidal during these periods) to months (less severe, more like nothing in life brings me joy and life is meaningless and empty). I have failed a number of classes and otherwise gotten poor grades due to my symptoms so it has also impacted my academic performance. College was like me having to constantly make up for times where I was ill and fell behind and messed everything up.
When my psychosis acts up it’s very difficult too. I’ll be constantly tormented by demons, especially at night that tell me horrible things. I can experience tactile hallucinations of being physically and/or sexually abused. I become so depressed and terrified during these times that when I didn’t have access to benzos I would drink heavily and would get drunk constantly to block out the feelings. After the attacks I’d become so numb and dissociated at times I’d harm myself to bring myself back to reality. With my psychosis at its worst I’m living in a state of constant fear for my life, I’ve locked myself in my apartment, slept with weapons by my bed, covered every camera I owned, put salt and oil around my windows, done all sorts of wild things. Not to mention I’ll get sucked into weird theories and plots my brain makes up like how entities are communicating w me through songs and books and media, or thinking strange things like I’m not human or that I have powers or that I’m destined to be a warrior in the apocalypse or mother of the antichrist, I could go on and on.
So it is clear to me that I have a serious illness. And yet I can be experiencing these things and still chat with others and be totally normal seeming. I can be so angry with someone I want to kill them, literally having violent intrusive thoughts about doing so, and be perfectly pleasant. In Highschool I would have gotten 3 hours of sleep because I would be kept up all night being terrorized and raped by demons and then still somehow be able to cheerfully greet my friends in the morning at school. Once I was away from them I’d walk through the halls like a zombie. I remember sitting on the bus repeating the thought over and over “Nothing happened. Nothing happened. It wasn’t real” and just feeling absolutely dead inside. Human interaction seems to ground me in reality and almost act like a shot of medication.
It’s all fascinating to me. The mood component is constant but the psychosis is almost nonexistent so long as I have routine, regular activity and good sleep.
The forms in which the illness appears are certainly varied, unpredictable and at times frustrating to treat with current therapies. It’s great you’ve found a useful medicine in depakote. No one should have to suffer their whole life due to the unawareness of the psychiatric community of ways to treat complex and or atypical cases of mental illness. You’re lucky to have a form of the illness which allows you to function most of the time, that’s what’s important.