So, I actually went out and went into a park. It was kind of a lonely experience, as I had nobody to share the nice day and nice park with. BUT. Even if I had, it probably wouldn’t have made much of a difference, I just felt like I was an empty shell.
It’s moments like this that make me want to drink or take benzos.
It’s funny, going to a nice park on a nice day sounds so good in theory. Instead it just shone a bright light on how messed up things are.
@everhopeful why don’t U post pics of yourself or of that park…
we are here to hear U…U can Share with US…
Sometimes things that are supposed to pick you up and don’t do it can make you more depressed. Christmas is a lonely time for many people. Maybe stay away from the park a little while. Then see if you can sneak back into it and enjoy yourself. If not, just blow the park off.
Yes, that’s true, it’s a good comparison, comparing it to Christmas!
There is still a positive. You didn’t drink or take benzos. You did well.
I hope things start to improve for you soon, friend.
Lyrics from a jazz classic…
"Once I was a sentimental thing;
Threw my heart away each spring.
Now a spring romance
Hasn’t got a chance.
Promised my first dance to winter.
All I’ve got to show’s a splinter
For my little fling.
Spring this year has got me feeling
Like a horse that never left the post.
I lie in my room
Staring up at the ceiling.
Spring can really hang you up the most.
Morning’s kiss wakes trees and flowers,
And to them I’d like to drink a toast.
But I walk in the park
Just to kill the lonely hours.
Spring can really hang you up the most."
Sorry, that you had that bad experience. But at least you got out of the house so I personally would count it as a success. I don’t mind being in the park alone. I just enjoy the space and fresh air. Sometimes I feel like a shell too. Other days I feel like a regular person.
I’m glad you went out. Sometimes that’s enough. Don’t steal victories from yourself. 
I went to the grocery store today and didn’t freak out. As I was walking through a crowded section with a pack of hotdogs, I became hyper aware that these figures were human and that I stood out amongst them. I kept my cool and made no eye contact. (Sounds kinda silly now) But I wasn’t exhausted when I left, and that was the victory. Yeah, I have some issues, but I’ll take the little wins when I can. Be good to yourself, @everhopeful 
Hi Hedgehog. Eye contact is free. As long as you don’t stare or have a hostile look in your eyes, it OK to make eye contact. The fact that you have the awareness of that fact that it was silly to not make eye contact means that you can do something about it. I find that I look some people in the eye and for others I just look AT their eyes. Looking at someones eyes is the first step to looking into them.
Thank you, @77nick77. I have my good days and bad… Sometimes I fend off anxiety by looking right at people and smiling and saying hello. Other times I get overwhelmed and feel like a different species and I just need to get the hotdogs and get out I don’t know what my “problem” would be called. I expect people to be mean and I can feel attacked/hurt by just a look. If I get eye contact, they’ll see something wrong or bad about me and they’ll react in some way. I can look at it objectively from here in my house, but when I’m out amongst people sometimes the feelings are overwhelming. I appreciate your encouragement. I’m better than I used to be.
I understand your difficulty. I get some of the same feelings sometimes. I expect the worse from people too Sometimes my solution is that when I’m having a good day, to learn as much as I can about situations and people so that hopefully on a bad day, when I’m under pressure, that the knowledge I learned will stick with me and I can use it on my bad days just to get me through. This occasionally works.
You got some fresh air…
You can feel n say that you’ve been out…
Next time might be a better feeling for you.
I sometimes have feeling that I’m not aloud to go out n stay indoors all day.
Sometimes by choice cause need my lifetime n other times I would rather go out but something someone doesn’t want me to…
Used to have some malicious bitch say I don’t deserve exercise etc ,go out etc
Some days may not feel good but keep at it could be good n a better feeling day may come.
Good on you for going.
Sorry you’re feeling empty… I get that a lot too. It usually gets better, then returns, then gets better again… 
I do also have that empty feeling. I miss how I could participate completely with mind and soul before I got ill. Now it’s like my mind has it’s own will and my soul is on vacation.
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