That’s what has been making my life hell for the past nearly 6 years. I hate saying I have ptsd. I have still never said it out loud or anywhere other than online anonymously even though professionals have said I have it (and DID too apparently, though I am yet to agree with that one). I hate saying I have this disorder held by abuse victims, war victims, soldiers, natural disaster victims, these people who went through these horrific extreme situations, and I got my PTSD from things my brain generated. From psychosis. It makes me feel weak and pathetic.
But I can’t keep pushing this aside because it is ruining my life, it is what is causing my mood swings. It is not bipolar. The mood swings are because I am constantly surrounded by reminders of horrible things I experienced that send my mind back down a trip through memory lane. I never had extreme, painful or suicidal depression before developing ptsd. (I did have depression but it did not make me want to kill myself to stop the pain) I never had anxiety problems, or anger issues. Being hugged by my little sisters and having them sit on my lap didn’t make me have to repress the urge to violently attack them because that’s how powerful my aversion is to touch now.
My psychosis I have under control. The PTSD NEEDS to be targeted. I’m supposed to be doing emdr but once again I find myself wasting sessions rambling about other things, chickening out and avoiding it. Once a week barely an hour sessions aren’t enough anyways. I’ve made progress over the years but it’s just not enough. My brain is still very sick. And medication that helps it is very very hard to find. Zoloft was the best one and it wrecked my bladder. I’m going to do my best to keep fighting.
Ptsd sucks… i do the same hem haw dance around my doctors… fear of telling too much sucks… hmmm maybe more like fear of being forcibly hospitalized despite no threat to myself or others…
That’s the thing that kills me though. Thinking that I may never be completely back to normal. Before we had to move I thought I had recovered and finally moved on from the past. But then I found out we were moving back to the same town where all the worst things in my life happened to me mental health wise and it was like I was back to step one and had never done any trauma work at all. Horrible. I am still not fully back to where I was before we had to move. I don’t think I’m even halfway there. That really shook me up and ruined my confidence in my stability.
I’ll move out of this town as soon as I am able. Out of this state even, preferably.
You must not blame yourself for having certain complaints. People who are born disabled also do not. That is nature. You do not do anything about that. Do not condemn it. See how you can still give your life value. This is important. Learning to live with your disability.