When I had my hospitalization last year at age 55 it was rather frightening. Before that, I hadn’t been hospitalized in about 26 years but that place was not the friendly psyche ward at Stanford hospital where it was quiet and peaceful, no loud arguing or violence. That’s how Stanford university’s psyche was.
No, two years ago I was put in the hospital that served the whole county. So we got homeless people, ex-cons, belligerent women, and some punks. I was totally unprepared to go in. But I think the worst part of it was sleeping at night. The men slept in one large room and the women the other large room. The beds were small and just a few feet from each other.
The first night, I realized I was paranoid that someone would harm me in my sleep and it made it hard to fall asleep. The people around me and on each side were talking to themselves a mile a minute and acting vaguely threatening. I did not like this but I had to sleep somehow so I went to sleep on faith that no one would hurt me.
That was 2 years ago. I started thinking about it lately and it finally dawned on me that those other guys were afraid of me. I’m a big guy and they didn’t know me and I must have looked a little ( just a little) dangerous to them. I’m not planning on ever being hospitalized again, It was just stress and my moms death and just some really big losses that put me back in the ward for being suicidal. But IF… I go in ever again by some weird fluke, then heck, I’m going to use what I’ve learned and they will be scared of me alright for real and deliberately.
I went in two years ago being passive and not causing trouble and my gift in return was that not only did the other guys take advantage of it but even the women saw what the men were doing and they saw an opportunity and they took it. Never again.
I liked some of the people in there but I’m not going in if there’s ever a next time like the lamb led to slaughter. If they want to be scared of me or scare me, then I will definitely give them something to be scared about. Oh yeah. And the eggs in the morning were dry and the oatmeal was lukewarm. So it was the wards fault I didn’t like it.