I’m confused… I’ve been having a hard couple of weeks, I’ve been getting killed everywhere I go and these people are showing me how they did it. I got raped by a shadow but I think it may have been a flashback, which triggered all of this, anyway people have been noticing my distractions, I’m often very good at hiding when I’m hearing or seeing what I believe. Yesterday I could barely move from mental agony and I came to the conclusion; I’ve been killed so I must be dead yet I’m walking, I look in the mirror and I look pale and sunken eyes, I’m horrified but in a way it’s a relief, I’m guessing the spies must be controlling m body they never let me succeed at suicide but they wanted me dead after I started doubting things.
I saw my nurse today and told him everything he started challenging me “you don’t look pale”, “feel your skin, is it hot?”, “feel your pulse”. I felt all these things but feel so lost and confused, I panic every time I try eating or drinking, I don’t need to drink/eat; I’m dead! So I’m forcing myself but it’s awful, it tastes of nothing and it just makes me feel weird, when I start to swallow my stomach wells with panic. I came out of my appointment, confused and feeling so distant and wanting to cry. I walked through town still thinking “they must see me” I felt so out of place as if I was in one of my dimensions, I really wished I was dead.
I shouldn’t be suffering p, I got a fab result in my exam and now I’m battling this unable to tell if its real or not. I feel very depressed. I don’t feel well at all. I want to be dead, it would be so much easier.
I not suicidal I just want my life to be the reality for once. I don’t want to upset anyone and I’m sorry I’ve not posted much.
Take care,
Meg.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I bet it feels confusing and sickening.
I’ve heard of Cotard Delusion when people think they are in fact dead. I’ve never felt it. But I can only imagine how distressing this must feel.
Do you have a therapist you can talk to if the doc isn’t helping much. Have you been skipping meals? Have you been eating despite this feeling?
I’m glad you got good results on your exam. That was a lot of hard work on your part. 
I was wondering if you might have just been hit out of the blue with some depression and that has brought on this numb dead feeling.
Like I’ve said… I’ve never felt this one… But I could imagine isolating yourself might not be a good idea. Interacting with people, like your Mom or a hotline, talking to some one who will respond to your voice might help your brain realize that your not dead. How could you be dead if you can interact.
I really hope you feel better and manage to fight this on off. I can only imagine how scared you must feel, and that might also be amping up the anxiety… which amps up the feeing of being detached… which amps up the anxiety… round and round.
Is there someone with you in the house? Are you able to maybe just sit and calm, and center, mindful breathing and relaxation?
I wish I had an answer that would make it better for you.
I’m rooting for you will all my strength.
-James.
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Hi Dante~
Sounds like you are going through a rough patch.
I agree with J.–maybe some time with your mom?
i hope you roll out of this quickly. You are definitley here-and I hope you can do some pampering for yourself. OO
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hi meg. soooo sorry ur going through this right now. i guarrentee that u r not dead hunni. we all have our ups and downs and right now ur down but u will get up again. i guarantee it. talk to people who can talk u down from this. mum, therapist, pdoc, etc’. we’re all here for u, whenever u need to vent. stay strong xxx
Thank you everyone, my mum is on holiday from Monday, although she’s off for the weekend. She said we may go out somewhere, maybe if we do something happy it will help. I’m still panicking whenever I’m going to eat/drink, I struggle with drinking more and I’m genuinely not hungry, mums making me eat. It makes me feel weird, I feel so distant.
I really appreciate your replies, sorry mines only short, I’ve read them I don’t like the confusion that comes, I get certain but then I’m told differently, but then I hold on to the belief more, I don’t know why… I’m so drained.
Thank you again,I really appreciate it,
Take care,
Meg.
Sometimes people crash after a big success You mentioned briefly that you did do a fabulous exam. So maybe that is why.
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Thank you for your reply chordy, you may have a point!
I’m upping and downing still… One moment I’m thinking clear and able to challenge even though the mirror, my head, my smell make it hard. Mums been complaining I’m putting too much perfume stuff on but all I can smell is infection and decay. I took your advice @SurprisedJ and went into town with her, people talked to me but I felt so embarrassed thinking they’d smell me and then freak out, everyone screaming at me saying I’m a curse of nature-the dead man walking. I’m still having thoughts put in my head, so I’m still getting killed. I’m stil panicking when swallowing, which is hard, I don’t know how to tackle that.
I don’t understand what’s going on, I’m still a bit unable to challenge it in cbt form. The more days I’m not falling into a coma the more days I feel I may be alive. I still incredibly drained I feel exhausted and keep reacting to what people are putting in my head. I don’t like this and think maybe if it’s still going on when I see my nurse next I’ll ask if I can increase my meds or think about challenging it more fiercely and how I can do that.
I wish I didn’t react so fiercely, how do you not recoil when they tell you your belief isn’t true? Or get angry? I sort of get a combination as well as fear, because I genuinely, still don’t understand why this happens, I know about the biology of schiz, more so than anyone could care, but I haven’t fully accepted yet. I went through a phase of accepting and then this happened, I think it’s why it happened, it’s how it always goes.
I hope your day is letting you cope the best you can,
Take care,
Meg.
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