I’m confused… I’ve been having a hard couple of weeks, I’ve been getting killed everywhere I go and these people are showing me how they did it. I got raped by a shadow but I think it may have been a flashback, which triggered all of this, anyway people have been noticing my distractions, I’m often very good at hiding when I’m hearing or seeing what I believe. Yesterday I could barely move from mental agony and I came to the conclusion; I’ve been killed so I must be dead yet I’m walking, I look in the mirror and I look pale and sunken eyes, I’m horrified but in a way it’s a relief, I’m guessing the spies must be controlling m body they never let me succeed at suicide but they wanted me dead after I started doubting things.
I saw my nurse today and told him everything he started challenging me “you don’t look pale”, “feel your skin, is it hot?”, “feel your pulse”. I felt all these things but feel so lost and confused, I panic every time I try eating or drinking, I don’t need to drink/eat; I’m dead! So I’m forcing myself but it’s awful, it tastes of nothing and it just makes me feel weird, when I start to swallow my stomach wells with panic. I came out of my appointment, confused and feeling so distant and wanting to cry. I walked through town still thinking “they must see me” I felt so out of place as if I was in one of my dimensions, I really wished I was dead.
I shouldn’t be suffering p, I got a fab result in my exam and now I’m battling this unable to tell if its real or not. I feel very depressed. I don’t feel well at all. I want to be dead, it would be so much easier.
I not suicidal I just want my life to be the reality for once. I don’t want to upset anyone and I’m sorry I’ve not posted much.