I wrote a lot of stuff

I saved a lot of the things I didn’t want to put here on my notepad during my hypomanic episode. I dated some of them and did a word count. 107845 characters and that’s a lot of key strokes with just my right thumb mostly. I also go back and forth and edit and rewrite and reorder as I type and that makes it many more. And I deleted the rejects. So now I’ve got carpal tunnel in both hands. My vocabulary stopped expanding when I graduated high school. I haven’t got much working memory to work with…learning MI related terms on heavy ap doses was slogging through mud, but they stuck and I think about things which are important to me at any given moment. And I may have adapted to losing vocab and stuff by thinking more in words, and practicing doing so. This is, I think, maybe a delusional reinterpretation of the past. So energy pushes through delusion I suppose to produce a bunch of meaningless drivel! My life is hard. And I may have to backtrack because I need to use my hands in the future.


im tryna explain what acute psychosis feels like, but it can be hard, and i would describe it as being like trigger warning the following feelings, just drawn out with no stop and mixed together and some magnified:

the feeling u get when ur little and cant swim and someone pulls you in the deep end and you’re too proud to ask for help and no one notices you; a paranoid reaction to recreational cannabis; the feeling you get when youre little and about to vomit and are bent over w/food poisoning but for longer time; the feeling of amusement park rides when you feel no gravity (bungee, free fall, rollercoaster); the feeling when you are about to be fed cough syrup but hate the taste and run away and put away your mouth and that moment when they hold you still and it hits youre taste buds; chugging a container of pure juice concentrate; when a nerve is exposed in a tooth and you put a vibrating hot implement on it, if a wasp flew directly into your ear and stung you while playing on the water slide, when you scrape your knee rollerblading and the white under layer of skin appears then it turns red except rather than crying someone holds your mouth and rubs it with sandpaper, if dr phil laughed and made fun of your family, throbbing and pulsating like when you slam your finger in a car door and then take it out and have to go to mom and dad but psychologically.

i hope i got close. its hard to pin down.

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