I want to give up

DX'd - Other
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I wish I could just give up on everything. I’ve been trying so long to hold on to hope and I think I’m actually being unfair to myself.

When I do the right thing I suffer
When I do the wrong thing I suffer
When I don’t do anything…I suffer

People betray my kindness and use it as a platform to hurt me even more. I’ve been fighting the darkness in myself and even more darkness outside myself. Everytime I think I see the light it’s just a light focused on a darker deeper hole that I have to now occupy.

And yet… I still won’t give up. I use to see my resistance as a strength but I’m starting to wonder if it’s not just foolishness. Like I said…I wish I could just give up on the good and the good for me …at least then I won’t be disappointed anymore

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Im in a low point myself. Try to think positive and do things you enjoy. It will get better.

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Man, realize that you are your worst enemy… if you have psychosis it’s normal to feel paranoid.

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Bro…it’s not just the paranoia but my mood is depressed. I know I will get through but everything is falling apart at the same time as my recovery from doing drugs.

I know it’s just conditions that won’t last but it’s hard my brotha …

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Are you on ADs? I found it helpfull sometimes.

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Yea my p-doc just upped my dose so they might kick in soon. Bro I haven’t even been able to feel the music or game dev stuff.

Also I’ve been talking to my ex and I think that made things harder. We had a horrible relationship the last few years of it …after I got sick. Now I’m talking to her and it’s also causing emotions.

I think I stopped weed at the worst time…it’s a long story but a few things in my life are out of whack right after stopping chronic use of THC. The combination might be causing this…

I’m thinking of gaming hard core for a while and just escaping

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When psychotic you cannot and shouldn’t focus on anything but recovery…

Bro… block her wtf… No contact lmao

Never a bad moment to stop. If you continued smoking consequences would be even worse probably.

That’s great man! What kind of games are you into?

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By consequences I mean brain damage is possible. And more meds that ■■■■ you up.

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What does focusing on recovery only look like? I use the music and stuff like therapy!!!

I love shooters ,racing,flight sims , puzzle games (portal/human fall flat) I thing I might start getting into RPG games. I bought this game called “Detroit stay human” and I really want to try it out.

Sadly, I would like to be high when I play lol

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You’re a game dev? Focus on your game it will pay off. I’m an aspiring inde dev. People are always looking for a new experience in games.

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Focus on recovery for me means if you need to stay in bed “not beeing productive” for 18 hours a day you allow yourself to do it. I think music is too much linked to beeing productive… if you want you can do it ofc…

It’s recovery. And you need to allow yourself to fully recovery. Cancel everything. Take some “me time” lmao…

Have you thought on an online ARPG? Diablo 4 is more or less fresh and PoE2 is around the corner.

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Yea I’ve been doing racing games for a few years off and on. Im hoping to launch a game January 2025 for mobile.

And yea when I can do it …it pulls me out thinking about psychosis and other stuff completely. It’s just been hard the last couple of weeks …

Btw what genre of games do you develop? Also what platform?

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That’s crazy you said say that man… the last few days I’ve been finding.myself wanting to just lay in bed but I do feel unproductive… maybe I should take a break…

And as far as the online gaming …I don’t know if I could hang with the big dogs bro lol

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I use C++ on Windows or Linux. Haven’t released any games but I have been working on a survival horror game.

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Unreal engine?

Edit: I use unity but I started programming in c++.

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No I just program in C++. I use C Lion as the IDE.

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Gotcha… That’s a little to brass tacks for me lol I’m lazy

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I’ve heard good things about Godot so I might look into switching to that. I’ve been a programmer for a while and always end up with C++.

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So are you programming the graphics too or just the game logic? Sorry if that’s a weird question…I’ve never done any game development outside of unity. I’ve done other stuff but nothing to serious

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Both, I use OpenGL for graphics. I use an ECS library called ENTT. Same one Minecraft uses now. If you use Unity you’re probably familiar with it.