I don’t want this life anymore, I’m sick of it all.
Let me stress that I do NOT want to die. I am NOT suicidal.
But I don’t want this.
I’m sick of being hungry all the time because I barely have money for food. I’m sick of not being able to get a job because I don’t have an education, driving license, nor connections. I’m sick of constantly having to worry what I’ll have to cut out or remove from my budget in order to pay the remaining bills, I’m sick of having to worry about being able to pay bills at all.
I’m sick of my body constantly aching, and I’m sick of being overweight, yet not having the willpower to do anything about it.
I hate it that I have this brain that makes everything feel impossible, and that things seem to require so much more willpower for me than it does for other people.
I don’t want all this responisbility. I don’t want to be tired all the time just because I I have to go to school, just so I can have a career and not feel like a failure (and so I can be financially independent.)
I miss the days where I lived in a group-home. I don’t ever want to go back, and I can’t, but sometimes I catch myself wishing I could.
I didn’t have to worry about anything there. They provided food, there was always someone to talk to, and they even told me when to clean up and take a shower.
I was legally an adult, but I didn’t have to act like one.
I don’t want to adult anymore. I don’t want this life. I want out.
They have less than me and need life-saving medicines, I don’t.
So in my mind, I’m helping said person stay alive, and I would feel horrible taking back the financial support I’m giving them just so I can eat better.
@Berru i always thought u are a very positive person …why so depression… I though u were daring to face all those situation… be optimistick and live ur life.
There is light in god house not darkness… life sucks… u have to be strong all the time…this illness is challenging … take care berru…
Thanks. I usually am pretty positive, but things are starting to get to me.
I know I can’t give up and that things will get better, but I still wish I could.
Sometimes my mood gets a little low. I usually gets back up again, though.
These things have just frustrated me for a long time, and it’s starting to reach a boiling point. I don’t know a healthy outlet for those feelings.
I’m really sorry Berru, I don’t have any advice but I do relate very very strongly to what you’ve written. I hope things get better for you. It sounds like you’re on the right path with continuing to pay bills and going to school. Not the easy path but the right one. Wishing the best for you
I’m sure you’ve already thought of this. But in case you haven’t.
Maybe help them find the resources to obtain the money for their meds on their own. Lots of work now but would be worth the effort if it means you can eat proper meals once they’re no longer dependent on you.
@Berru if you are giving your money away you should feel proud that you are poor? I give when I can to the neighbors because they are low on food all the time…try to find hope dear. I believe in you…you can get through this !!
I’m sorry Berru. I have felt similar in general but for some very different reasons. I’m with Bitttercat. I would think there would be something available for people who need medicines but can’t afford them.
Their illness is considered a ‘lifestyle illness’ even though it’s a chronic condition, so they fall through a loophole and the government refuses to give them money for it.
@Berru I am a firm believer that we should try to live as long as possible, preferably forever.
If you suffer there is hope that in the future mankind will develop tools to deal
with your suffering.
Hold on and hope for the best.
