I lost everything

DX'd - Other
1

And I am really angry about it. And sad. And defeated.

I am 41 years old as of last month. Before my breakdown 01/2020 I had owned my condo for 5 years. I owned my 2nd car outright (a 2010 work SUV) and had a lease on a 2019 Lexus. I was making very good money at work. I had ZERO credit card debt. I had an 800+ credit score. I had savings. I have a 401K. I had investments. I had been a marketing director at my company for 5+ years highly respected in my field nationally. And I ■■■■■■■ lost everything in a millisecond. And I am SO ■■■■■■■ MAD ABOUT IT. AND IT’S NOT ■■■■■■■ FAIR. And people lose things all the time for a variety of tragic reasons, and sadly, it is just part of life sometimes. Fine. Ok. I get that. But I was born to a 17 year old idiot, was a teenage runaway, death, dysfunction, juvenile hall, rape, high school dropout - name it and it happened in my life. And I STILL made it. I made it out. I went to college and was the 1st to graduate in my family. I became a property owner. I had perfect credit and was responsible and careful. I didn’t have children. I was smart. I educated myself. I blended in with all the normies.

And despite all of my smart choices and my hard work … working FT since I was 16 to take care of myself and pay for school and food and rent. With no help. I still lost everything instantly. Gone. My name. My money. My house. My identity. My whole life - gone. And I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel to be honest. I really, really don’t.

It has felt to me like I had a demonic cursed placed upon me since the day of my breakdown. And my delusion/god told me I was possessed by a demon. They did an exorcism on me in the mental hospital. Twice. Or at least that’s how I remember it.

And now I sit her almost two years later and my life is still - and will be for a long, long, long time - falling apart. I ONLY two weeks ago even started entertaining the idea that I have a mental illness and might not actually be cursed. So that is going to be a blast to untangle in therapy for however long at $200 an hour that I don’t have.

I can’t work because I’m on such a short fuse that if you so much as say something rude to me I snap tell you to go ■■■■ yourself. Strangers, family, my boss - I don’t seem to care these days. I didn’t speak to you - don’t speak to me. So yeah, I tried to go to work in July and my boss was a dick and didn’t appreciate me saying so. I got fired after two months. It probably would have been sooner if he hadn’t been on vacation. I tried though. I tried to get a job doing door to door sales, but I suck at sales apparently. Plus, I don’t really like people so that was probably a stupid career exploration. Don’t know what the hell I am going to do long-term on this and I only have another year of savings and then I’ll be homeless. My PTSD is so severe that I can’t be without my dog. He was literally all I was left with … how could I ever leave him :frowning:

My current apartment is a vacation rental that I have to move out of at the end of the month. I can come back again in March, but I don’t really have anywhere to go for 90 days. Tick tock … tick tock. December 31st is right around the corner. Sigh. Time to move again. This will be my 42nd move in my life. Exhausted. I’m tired. The idea that my life is maybe only halfway over and I have to continue with this buy a couch/loose a couch dance is appalling to me. I am sick of losing all my ■■■■ and having to move. I just want to be quiet and at peace.

I have 10K in unpaid medical bills from two psychiatric stays last year. Right when I had my breakdown, and got fired, and left all my stuff and drove across the country in hotels with a suitcase and my dog as my only possessions, I also had MAJOR credit card fraud and bank fraud - simultaneously within days (sure, I wasn’t cursed. K) - so my finances got all screwed up and I couldn’t handle sorting it out and also didn’t care because I thought the world was ending, it so my credit it still screwed up. I basically live off my credit cards and my remaining savings. But it’s not much and it’s not enough to fix all of my problems.

My car - this 2019 Lexus is a lease that I owed 25K on. It expired a few weeks ago and they want it back or they want 25K. And if they see this car, they won’t want it back. The entire car has been keyed, on every surface, and it has body damage from an accident, and the seats and interior ceiling are slashed and sliced because that’s right - I thought the government was listening to me and I was expressing to them how pissed off I was about it. Yep. Because that’s my kind of angry. I get crazy.

Oh, and my dog is in active heart failure. My sweet, sweet son. My puppy. My life. My heart. My everything. The ONLY thing I live for. The ONLY thing I have in this world that brings me joy and calm and love. And I don’t think I will make it through that. And it also doesn’t feel like I was meant to. It feels like this is the grand finale of life hurting Mollie and we’re just about to wrap it up.

I’m so sick of this place. It is NOTHING but pain. Always. Unbearable pain. I feel like I get constantly emotionally electrocuted and my only reason for breath will soon be gone. I will not handle it well when he died, and I already know that i don’t know what to do.

Thank you for letting me talk.

Mollie n Bax

6 Likes
2

It must be hard for you to have lost all that. I can only imagine.

But you still have your life and hopefully your health. Things can only get better from here right?

Are you taking any medications to help you? If your emotions are so out of control you snap at the slightest remark you might need some help to deal with that.

I hope you feel better soon.

3 Likes
3

I wish I had words to be helpful, but I know how I feel when people try and push me to see positive things when everything is so dark, so I won’t.

I will just say that I have felt exactly how you have felt. I don’t know if that’s enough, but there’s people listening.

3 Likes
4

sorry to hear you had to go through all that… it must be hard =(

i hope your dog recovers… it would sad if you lost your puppy too =(

1 Like
5

Thank you, trying medication is on my to-do list. I have to file for SSI and disability to see a doctor (I don’t have insurance).

Thank you

5 Likes
6

Wow thats a lot to take. Do you have family or someone that can help you?

1 Like
7

Yea first step is to treat your sz. Are you diagnosed with sz?

1 Like
8

Take a low dose of antipsychotic and start working again, most people who are functioning well lives like that

Those who aren’t don’t take antipsychotic and lives homeless

2 Likes
9

SSI/SSDI usually wants records to demonstrate treatment by physicians. I know that Disability can provide insurance, but they make it very difficult to get as you have to be seen regularly and treated BEFORE they give anything up. The benefit is that they do offer backpay, so you’ll usually get a lump sum upon approval of your case. But it takes time. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t apply, though. And a huge tip: Get a lawyer to help you!!! They can make all the difference in the world, and they only get paid when you win your case. I was denied until I got a lawyer and had him handle stuff for me.

I understand coming from a difficult background (15 y.o. teen parent/9th grade dropout here) and fighting to get somewhere, then losing it all once you’ve finally made it. I was in a doctoral program when the poop hit the fan for me. Foreclosure, car totalled out, electricity turned off in my new, 1/2 the size place that I’m still renting, etc. And I was like that with my dog, too. She was my service dog. She passed a couple of months ago. I’ve wondered if I’m being stalked by demons, maybe possessed, etc. I even talked to my preacher and pdoc about it. THey say I’m alright, and I’m in a place now where I know it’s not real, that the demons I see aren’t really there. After having to leave my job, then another job, I appled for disability. It took three years to get approved and have my payments start coming in.

My best advice to you is 1. Apply to disability ASAP. Don’t wait! 2. See a doctor ASAP as well. You need proof of illness and treatment before you can get approved. Records from your hospital stays can be beneficial for this reason. 3. Take the medication that your doctor prescribes. 4. Give your dog a pat for me!

5 Likes
10

I’m so sorry for you. I’ve been through this, granted I was younger, but I know the pain. You’ll be able to regain much of this with treatment, but, it may take a bit to level out. Also, the creditors are much more likely to be lenient if you’re diagnosed with serious mental illness, so definitely go for the treatment. Also, apply for whatever benefits you can and look seriously into bankruptcy. You can rebuild from it. Trust me, I have.

Sending you good vibes.

4 Likes
11

I am unable to read all of it but I will say. If you built it once you can build it again.

5 Likes
12

Just want to say you are a strong person. you got through life this far. Accomplished so much and succeeded in life having dealt a pretty bad hand. It’s not your fault you lost everything.

Now you need to make sure you have shelter food and medical attention. Find a room to rent furnished, you can’t rely on credit. They will slash your limits as they see you maxing out your cards.

Keep this thread updated on your status. A lot of us have been through a lot and have experience that ca help you.

A lot of us including myself lost everything. And survived. I was a creative director and lost everything too. You need to find public assistance from unemployment to shelters you need your basics met. You need insurance medical treatment.

Sorry my reply is so erratic. I am worried for you.

6 Likes
13

Hello all, thank you so much to all that replied to me on this thread.

It’s been a few months since I posted, and while I don’t feel that things are ‘better’, I feel like maybe someday they could be, now, which is a huge improvement from even a few months ago.

I started seeing my new therapist in November and was diagnosed with schizoaffective, depressive type, underlying mood disorder and CPTSD.

I’ve applied for SSDI and gotten that ball rolling. To all who gave me such excellent advice on this specific topic - thank you. I feel confident in getting approved - I had two involuntary hospital stays and have been under a therapist’s care since 2019 so I am able to document mental health history. Disability folks have already requested my medical records as well.

On the SSDI: I have enough in savings to get by until it gets approved, and once approved it will be enough for me to live on because I worked for so long first.

I have a new therapist now and have started meds (although I really don’t like them after 2 weeks and might ask for something different).

Sorry I went MIA - thanks for all the kindness while I was away - it helps.

PS. Puppy is on senior dog meds and doing just fine <3

5 Likes
14

Sorry you lost so much. I was on the verge of going homeless and applying at Walmart when I started hearing things and they put me on SSDI.

3 Likes
15

I’m in the same boat mate. I’ve lost EVERYTHING to this illness. But I’m getting my life together slowly. One step at a time.

I too drove across the country with my little doggo. I lost him… the police took him away

3 Likes
16

I’m so sorry about your dog :frowning: I can’t even imagine how painful that would be. So so sorry

1 Like
17

It’s quite okay… I’ve some what reconciled with my past now

1 Like
18

Good luck on getting Disability. Hope you get it soon. With back pay!

2 Likes
19

This topic was automatically closed 90 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.