I just watched elyn saks' video


her description of the sz experience is so real.

how she came out of it so well intrigues me much.

wish I could learn from her.

she doesn’t seem to bear grudges or ill feelings in her heart. kudos to her.

the anger baggage I carry still bothers me much. how are you doing with grudges etc.?



I’m completely surprised that my family doesn’t hold grudges against me. If they can forgive me and open their arms to me despite the stuff I did both during psychosis and my anger phase… then I should be able to learn how to not bare a grudge against them for stuff that went down in the past.

Of course, we had a family counsellor who helped us with this. But they haven’t held a grudge against me for stealing from them for drugs. I got over my grudge from them putting me in hospital…


I read Elyn Sak’s book The Center Cannot Hold I liked it very much and she is to be admired. Lately I am having a certain amount of doubt about her schizophrenia diagnosis. I do believe that she may have been misdiagnosed, this happens all of the time. She does not have negative symptoms and seems to be under a good amount of stress and handling herself pretty well - most people with schizophrenia cannot handle the daily stresses of life, she holds a high stress job, is a speaker, author, advocate is involved in activism etc… There are a number of psychotic disorders besides schizophrenia. Also I do believe that my brother holds a grudge against me, after all these years - He needs to grow up


Elyn Saks taught me that this illness is defeatable. I read her book and told myself that I would find the perfect meds and make straight A’s, and I did. I have a grudge problem- my mild psychopathic traits make me hate someone if they talk down to me or insult me. My meds keep me from being violent but in the past I was violent.

For example, the coach of my powerlifting team wants us to do cardio for 5 weeks and then bodybuilding for 5 weeks. I talked to some guys on r/powerlifting on reddit and they said thats the dumbest thing theyve ever heard and to quit the team. I told the coach that Im not doing his program. I am going to get a payload of trash talk when I show up to training and do my own routine today. I will have a hard time not using the f word and threatening to break peoples bones. But I never threaten people anymore because that can result in legal troubles.

I have a short fuse and am very arrogant. Well I think it’s justified, I am making rapid progress in powerlifting and I am a straight A student on a full ride to a university. When I get into arguments I sometimes use the premise “your tax dollars pay for my education” which usually ends the argument.

My therapist is also very arrogant. He’s an elitist. He only takes referrals. He says anyone below a 120 IQ is a “non-sentient being” and tells me that I will always have problems with people who arent a standard deviation above average intelligence. My IQ is 133, my friends are all as smart as I am, half of them smarter.

My therapist warns me about conflict with people due to my feelings of superiority. I for a fact DO achieve at whatever I set my mind to. Right now I am only 50lbs away from a 1160 total in powerlifting, my ultimate goal is 1160 and im at 1110 right now. Ive been powerlifting since January 27th. My first competition is in late November so that whole powerlifting thing is actually already as good as done. Ill make master rank two years in a row and put it on my resume for grad school.

Paranoid schizophrenic with a 3.9 and consecutive master rank in powerlifting is what I will present to grad schools. All I want is what is mine, I dont take from others.


wave. I thought like you regarding elyn. she doesn’t strike me as having sz.

cheers. I have a feeling things will turn up for all of us with sz, for real. I really think so.



I don’t want to sound mean, but you do brag about yourself in post after post after post.
I know others have said they enjoy your writing…


I am truly sorry nicehat if I sound that way in my posts. honestly, I just meant to share ideas.

again, I apologize.



Judy, nicehat was talking to mortimermouse when she said that.


woops. I didn’t mean to interfere, I goofed. sorry, judy


no worries. you didn’t interfere. i just didn’t want you to think that she had said that to you.