I hate the disconnect

Between my body and my feelings. Today at my therapy session I was in a lot of pain…I had a migraine and multiple canker sores which hurt as I talked. I was also pretty upset about the nightmares I’ve been having. But I was just smiling and chatting away happily the whole time even as I talked about those things. She said I seemed calm and happy and was glad to see it.

Other people get flat effect…I get happy effect…I can only look happy…it is almost impossible for me to display any other emotion…does anyone else have this problem?

i smile around other people i hate i cant stop smiling all the time it sucks because people probably always think im happy i wish i had a flat affect instead so i can look how i feel

Made a poem

"This cursed smile
Plastered on my face like I’m the Cheshire Cat
Announcing to all that "All is well!"
No worries here, none at all
They call me laid back, a dreamer, carefree
If only they knew, if only they knew…

That this smile is a curse
Stuck as if stitched to my face
Stitches sewing up a wound that might pour forth who knows what vile substance if opened
Emotion can be frightening, emotion can be terrifying…
But this suffocating smile…it is worse

I am not fine, never fine, always a degree of not fine
Don’t listen to this cursed smile of mine
That represses the woes and depresses my soul…
I’m not smiling…I’m not…when will they see I’m not smiling at all…"


Beautiful piece of writing!

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