I think the illness makes me feel like I’m from a different planet! The negatives is im not working, living a normal life. But on the contrary I’m such a more gentle soul than everyone I know. I’m so much more a lot of things. THIS is why we call them “normies”. They operate differently. I was watching more Terence McKenna last night and he said, the only thing stopping mankind is our over inflated egos.
I stopped and thought, I spent 7 1/2+ years working on my ego so far. Ever since a girl said I had a big ego and then I took drugs which made that thought amplified in my head. And then someone else said there was something wrong with my ego. There wasn’t… I was like the normies. Then I became obsessed with getting rid of the ego for almost 8 years now. It really is something. It’s noticeable by the way I talk and act. Of course by getting rid of the ego you develop a different ego based on not having an ego. “Oh I’m better than you because I have no ego”. It’s true. That is ego in itself… but at the end of the day it’s a good thing.
I am now seemingly sub human, above human, alien. Just so foreign. I can’t comprehend. I don’t think I’m better or worse than the normies. Moreso do I think I am both. Because I don’t fit in to their society making me worse, but I have done so much ego work that in an entirely different way I am better…
People find me impressive. I am very social for my age. Even with strangers. I was near a dog and a guy said "don’t worry she’s a sweetheart ". And I said “awwwww she looks like a sweetheart” and started petting her. I’m not even a big dog person. I am a fan of life and nature and stuff.
But I just feel so foreign to everyone. If you weren’t inside my head you would think I am “so humane”. Like my counselor said “I can’t imagine a soul on earth not liking you”. But deep down I am fairly narcissistic, hurt, insecure, real pride though to go along with the insecurities. I just feel so different from the normies. And that is why I call them normies. Because they seem to be rude as hell. Not because they don’t have issues…they have tons of issues. But there issues are how they treat others, while my issues are how I treat myself for the most part.
I dunno. I used to think like a normal and thinking back I find it mundane. I always been half crazy. Wanted to be full crazy. Let the crazy fly rather than tortured by half crazy. But being crazy isn’t walking naked through the streets. It’s a lot of things, and one those things is empathy overtime. Lack of ego. And even the normies I used to look up to, are lifetimes behind me in this regard at this point. We are not alike. I think my way is better but understand I have even less of a say than them. Well I’ll stop ranting now. Can go all day on my unusual beliefs but won’t
