I feel so sick

I just can’t bare decision making I’m going to leave college and defer my degree until October. Mums supportive dad not. I had to leave the house today and get on a bus, it was unbearable, afteR a night of communication with dead philosophers, saying how I had to find the ends of the earth and quoting all sorts of crap at me. I want to sleep, forever. I’m not suicidal I don’t think, but I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin, my mind is on fire but my body feels like it wants to reject my brain, like I’m going to walk along and explode. The med increase hasn’t helped just yet. I hope it does work. I wish this was over. This is lasting longer than my other crises its three months now, which just makes me think it real, everything points to it being real.

I just want it to stop. I also feel so angry, mum said she’d support me for five years, this is my fifth year and I’m going under. I feel so guilty. She thinks her life is ■■■■ and its my fault, I wish I wasn’t so much of a burden. I don’t want this anymore, :crying_cat_face: I feel like I will explode very soon if I’m not careful. I need to get it out, normally my illness gives me power, it doesn’t take it away. I don’t know how to handle this, I’m just at a loss, and I feel so angry I hate anger.

I don’t know what to expect, needed to offload after my dad told me to go back to college even though he has no say in my life since he walked out and because he doesn’t see me everyday, he doesn’t know the real me, he doesn’t know I nearly did brain surgery. I just can’t bare this feeling. I’m sorry for going
on. I just needed to talk.

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Well, psychosis or not, sounds like your at a crossroad in your life and that is what is really stressing you out. You’ve been sick for a while, so I’m guessing you could manage that much. I couldn’t attend any classes right now. I think I’ll be able to soon, but I think it’s just stress me out and set me back, so ultimately you shouldn’t feel bad about the school thing. It’ll always be there whenever your ready.

Sorry your parents are putting pressure on you and making ultimatums. They should accept your sickness and the responsibility to take care of you. You didn’t choose this life or what’s happened to you. If anyone is responsible it’s them, their genetics and parenting.

Stay strong try and relax, take a nap, you’ll find a future whether it includes school or not.

Sorry this disease sucks so much. I deal with the telepathy ■■■■ to, constantly thinking it has to be real. It’s a shitty trap to be stuck in.

Hope this helps Meg. Never stop searching for alternatives and means of getting better and more independent.

You hear they’re gonna roast Beiber in the spring? Just something to look forward to.

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Do you fill your day with any activities or are the symptoms paralyzing? I wish I could help. Maybe plan to leave home. Do you have money like SSI coming in?

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You’re on a higher level of college than me. I first went to college in 1983. I took a couple classes at a time for about a year and a half, until 1985. I stopped going and I didn’t go again until 1990 after I took care of a bad crack addiction. I took two classes at a time until 1995. I stopped going again until 2009. Now I take online classes. I need four classes for my AA degree. I want to make two points. ONE: College isn’t going anywhere; it will always be there waiting. TWO: might I suggest that you take some entertainment classes? We called them “elective” classes in my high school. Classes that aren’t necessarily academic, just some classes that are fun.
Just to keep you in the loop until you can start working towards your degree again. Maybe a sports class? Maybe an art class? Creative writing? A music class? A food class? So you can stay in the swing of things by being on campus but there will be less pressure and less stress maybe? Maybe wait a few months to do this if you want. It’s just a suggestion.When I went back to college in1990 my mom suggested just to get used to being on campus in the college atmosphere that I take one physical ED class and one art class. So I I took "Drawing 1A and volleyball. I ended up dropping the art class after a week and a half because I had no talent. But I stayed with the volleyball class for a semester. I ended up getting a B and it was fun sometimes. I think I got the good grade purely for effort and for just showing up every day.And I think the coach who taught it liked me. But that’s what I did for FIVE years. I would take an academic course and also take something like weightlifting or Racquetball or tennis. PLUS, the exercise would be good for you. Anyway, I’m sorry you are going through rough times. Why can’t something be easy? Nothing is easy, is it?

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I know it hurts when you think your a burden to your family. Is there a way you and your Mom could sit down and discuss a 6 month plan and a year plan for you getting back on your feet slowly.

Your Mom sounds like a realistic person… if you need help, I’m sure she would help you.

Keep her in the loop. If you don’t see your Dad that often… and never have a sit down conversation with him… then I’m glad your not getting to upset at what he says.

I also hope you feel better soon and the meds start to help. Glad your talking it out here. Good luck.


Wonder if your mom could help you find a case manager. This person would help you with everything. If you want your own place, they could help with finding one, help with SSI//SSDI, with food cards, etc…everything that you would need to be on your own…and maybe your parents could help out a little every week.
Some things just cant be managed at the moment-dont worry about school right now. You need to get settled on your meds. Really, your parents cannot tell you how to live your life–I know you are dependent on them financially-thats why I suggested the case worker. Im sorry youre going through this Meg. Hang tough until you get through this. work on your mental health right now-thats more important than anything. Tell your mom what you are going through.
Hugs to you OO