I’m feeling kind of bummed. My PCP, who I am very close to, informed me this past Monday that she is taking an indefinite leave of absence. She wants to keep in touch though which helps the blow. She also wants to come to my graduation party when I get done school next August. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be in school or so close to getting my BS. I feel like she is the only one who understands what this illness is like and knows how to talk to me when I’m not well. I’m going to feel so lost without her. She’s leaving in January and what makes things hard is that my therapist is also leaving in January. It feels like when I get close to people something happens for them to leave. It hit me really hard when friends did it, but now I’m almost numb to losing people. Over the years I have built up a wall so I won’t be as hurt when people leave, but people somehow get in and I let my defenses down. The universe must be trying to teach me something because it’s a common theme in my life. I can understand my doctors or therapists leaving but when friends do it it’s really hard. I feel flawed in some way that somehow I turn people off. I wish I knew how to be a better person. To know what to do differently in my relationships or be successful at totally putting up a wall. But what kind of way is that to live? I know there’s a lesson here but I feel clueless. Buddhism teaches that one of the reasons we suffer is because we believe things are permanent. To overcome this suffering we must embrace impermeability. Maybe that’s my lesson. To learn relationships are always changing. Being Borderline doesn’t help either because I have abandonment issues already. I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself and that’s selfish. Everybody suffers. Why would my pain be any different? What would you do though if it feels like people are always leaving?
That’s weird. I wouldn’t ever think my shrinks would continue a relationship after the professional one ends.
The transitions are the hardest part for me.
I like things familliar and well known, it just seems safer that way if you know what to expect.
I’ve also been around things and people that just won’t change, and when that gets stuck in an endless loop, it gets pretty drepressing real quick.
I share your suspicion that I somehow turn people off, but for different reasons than you. At least you can invest in other people and feel like they help you. I’m too self absorbed to do that. I never have the feeling they understand anything about me. That doesn’t bother me too badly. I just figure they don’t know.
I’ve been pondering this… and I have to admit, I honestly don’t know. I do accept that people get on a path and that takes them away. In the past, I was in my own head so deeply I didn’t really notice that people were leaving.
Except for family… some family left me, and that hurt and made me try and chase them down. Only to have them run further.
So I left them alone and had to be happy with the people who stayed by me.
Also… another odd thing has been happening in my life… people have been coming back. My childhood friend came back into my life last year… (his kid sis and my kid sis made it happen) I had a brother come back. I had a second friend come back.
So as I lived my life, and stopped thinking about the people who left me… they began to come back.
It may be weird if you don’t usually connect with people, but honestly I get close to people. Every doctor I’ve had that I have trusted I develop a relationship more than “your the doctor I’m the client.” When you share intimate details of your life with a person you develop a deeper relationship. I hope that clarifies things.
I completely agree. Thanks for understanding.
@crimby I’m glad you can relate to the feeling. I feel misunderstood as well. But people come close and it gives me hope. Good luck!!
That’s an awesome way of phrasing it. Thank you! It does seem like people follow an alternate path now that I consider details of the past.
That’s interesting people come back. Have I ever told you about the series “The secret?” The documentary of it explains the book. If you have Netflix you can watch it. I think you’ll really like it though. I hope you are well.