Late at night when I’m laying there with my eyes closed and staying as still as possible trying to go to sleep…it always pops up…the way I treated my dogs when I was delusional…I tied up my besenji with just food and water on hot summer days until I took off for Oklahoma City, I was currently in tulsa…I later found out weeks later that they had been taken in by my friend Matt and he rehomed them thank goodness…sad sad though…I know I couldn’t help it but I thought that the besenji was a demon…if you’ve ever seen one you will know why I thought that…they look a little demonic I think even today…but such good doggies.
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I understand this. My biggest regret is not remembering how my dog survived through my episodes.
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When I was fourteen we Got Mieshka a pure breed show bred American Eskimo.
I mistreated her at times. My dads friend came over and pulled her off the ground choking her saying this is how to get them to obey. I mourned her. I developed SZ while owning her.
When I was 38 we Got a White Pomeranian named Snowball from the local flea market. Me and Snowball traveled across the country every winter from Michigan to Florida. About 25 trips. I was all packed up and ready to put her in the van. I noticed she could not keep her head up and was breathing heavy. I told my parents I was concerned about her. My dad said she will be fine. She died in the hotel half way to Florida. There was a crematory blocks away from the hotel. I could have cremated her for $40. It was against my mothers beliefs. I had to pack her in a cooler and drive with her corpse all the way to Florida. I buried her in our back yard. To this day I feel bad that I did not take her to the Emergency Vet. It crossed my mind before we left. Every day I have told her that I love her since she passed. I treated her like my child and made up for all the mistreatment to Meishka.
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it is almost freaking impossible for me to forgive myself deep down…that’s why I still cry about it at night…
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I had a sweet dog once and was hearing voices telling me to kill her…I gave her to a friend cuz I couldn’t resist the voices. He was a good person and kept her permanently, but I still missed having her. I have another dog now, almost 5 years, and I don’t hear that voice anymore, I’m a good doggy mom.
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