I am absolutely exhausted more than I ever have been for some reason. I usually push through it and go about my obligations but I am at the point where I physically am on the verge of not being able to. And everything is getting weird in my head. It is like I am under water. I am in a living situation where I do work in exchange for my rent.
My boss does not know about my mental illness…but I kept taking weeks off the past months because mental stuff was getting too much (suicidal) but he thought it was because of school being a lot. I did tell him I was suicidal but he thought it was a college kid thing. Now that I am not doing school I don’t know…I have been lying to him that I can only work part time because I am still taking classes but I just mentally can’t work more.
I am not suicidal right now, but I feel ashamed of myself almost, that I can’t handle working part time. And that I arranged this situation where I am dependent on my boss, and now worry I cannot honor my end of the deal. I am still “handling” it but I am so exhausted I don’t know how I can keep doing it. I have a hard time understanding how my coworkers can work full time and have enough energy for other experiences in their lives. I am starting to realize my illness is way more serious and challenging than I usually acknowledge it as. I just don’t know what to do.
I guess I will try to keep pushing for now to live normal, but it has been getting harder for so long I don’t know what I am going to do. I have a lot of plans to live like a normal person but I am more and more not able to rise to it. I don’t know.