Is it better just to accept myself that I will never fully overcome what to others is a false belief? As long as its not hurting or interfering with anyone else? Many people have false beliefs probably, I imagine its not as uncommon. maybe Im just unlucky to have gotten put into the psychiatry system.
Did you know that gay and mentally “disabled” or “feeble/ill” people were also targeted and virtually wiped out during the holocaust? This deep seated fear of fascism and the alienation of being different causes me to resist being a cog in the wheel. As much as i’d love to be normal, i’m not good enough for that world. Im a forever outcast.
I also feel like an outcast sometimes. Ironically, when I was younger (way before coming down with sz), I desperately wanted to be different, I was scared of being ordinary. Funny how one’s perspective shifts in response to whatever life throws at them, right?
I have had what people tell me are the same delusions since 2008. No med has made them go away. I just started with a new therapist to try to find new methods of fact checking and coping that help me. Then we’re going to work on my ptsd.
I think I will attempt to start therapy again in person. Its going to have to be someone who really is professional and has experience. I’m sure it will eventually make sense or be explainable. I’ll be honest I’ve never truly opened up to any therapists about what I experienced that I cant explain. I’ve mostly overcome the delusion stuff. Its the unexplainable experiences that I’m working through and coping with them. Mostly I just tell myself well everyone sees the world differently, its ok to be this way…that usually helps. And I do work on grounding and centering.
I know that though for certain, one key aspect of all my most worrisome “experiences” or perceptions of something unordinary or frightening happened during a traumatic or drug induced state. that also fuels my belief I dont have actual schizophrenia or how to define schizophrenia from a rational POV because its so divergent based on the person and situation.
But you’re aware of this so that’s a HUGE STEP. Don’t be hard on yourself. It’s not your fault. Lets you and me think of this as a healing journey. It’s not perfect. There will be ups and downs, steps forward and back. That’s ok. Just keep aiming for the goal
The mind of the schizophrenic in most realities, almost certainly, is a direct divergence and obscurity, that even the brightest intellectuals and philosophically gifted humans cannot comprehend the magnitude of how deeply terrorizing this illness is on the schizophrenic’s perception of reality. Albert Einstein owns son was schizophrenic, and he was at lost to know how to help his own son.
We as the schizophrenics shouldn’t fret over our perceived reality. Simply because our brain cannot tell the difference between the real and the fiction without the help of medication. I honestly think we should just let the thoughts come and go, and not worry about such thoughts the brain cleaves onto. Instead, we should place our trust in others perception of reality because they are not afflicted with this pernicious tribulation.
