I write in a gratitude journal regularly. I do my best to be supportive and encouraging to others, and maintain a positive outlook, but it feels hollow, like I’m still stuck inside my own mind, and can’t develop meaningful connections with others, because, deep down, I think they’ll betray me or abandon me. Nothing I’ve tried has been able to disintegrate this belief. My closest friends ditched me when I mentioned the onset of schizophrenia, so that poisons my faith in people.
How does one determine if anti-depressants, like Wellbutrin, are needed? I don’t really think an anti-depressant can make me less selfish. I don’t want to turn to religion either (except maybe Buddhism). Also, I’m still able to get out of bed in the morning and do stuff. I don’t think the side effects like memory loss are worth it, but I’m sick of not caring enough. I’m sick of feeling so fake, just going through the motions to fit into what society believes a good person should be. I hide my misery behind a mask so my relatives won’t be sad.
I have a doctor who always wants to increase my med, or put me on new ones. A lot of the time, I feel he doesn’t even listen, but there’s a doctor shortage for psychiatrists, and I’m afraid to switch at this point.
yea im kinda in the same boat tbh. i know im depressed but havent gone about seeking a med for those as well. ive been trying to do it naturally but maybe i should try that path as well
I don’t have an answer to your primary question of “How do I become more grateful for what I have?”
I’m not quite sure why the feeling of not being grateful enough is bothering you.
The rest of your post does indeed point to the possibility of depression like the_fool said though. Although some of it may be the negative symptoms of sz as well, the “not caring” and whatnot. Some of the negative symptoms of sz tend to mimic depression. If that is the case there is not a whole lot in the way of treatments. Sarcosine maybe.
I miss feeling content with what I have, and part of something (connected). I could try volunteering, but it won’t remove the fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, etc. I have this gnawing hunger for things I can never have. I used to genuinely care about others.
On some level, I know I have a lot of good things going on. I’ve got an e-reader, and access to my public library. They have thousands of e-books to borrow (I’m rich in books so-to-speak), but the gnawing hunger for other things is still there. Sometimes I feel all the “good” actions I do are merely to undermine the voices’ telling me I’m evil. It works to an degree, but makes me feel fake.
actually you sound quite positive and appreciative already haha. seems this has been something you’ve been developing purposefully? maybe i should try being more appreciative too
I often use the mood journal that came with The Feeling Good handbook. It helps me question distorted thoughts. I also have a journal, and I write 10 things I’m grateful for, each day. Sometimes I forget to do it, though. With the gratitude and my behaviour, it feels I’m just going through the motions to undermine what the voices say, rather than being kind because I genuinely care. The voices sound less logical when calling me horrible names, if my behaviour is good. But I feel like a reptile. Cold. Empty.
You seem to be grateful for many things already, and I don’t know that being more grateful will solve anything.
The fear of abandonment is probably harming you more than actual abandonment would. For example, if you are someone who gets clingy and insecure, then that often scares people away. Working to improve your abandonment fears might help you to feel more content.
A second thing you might consider working on is the problem of hiding how you really feel. That’s a lot harder than it sounds, but if you bottle up your misery then it can’t escape, and you’re stuck with it forever.
Thanks for the help. I don’t know if I’m clingy. I’d like to think not. I think what happened, years ago, was that when friends asked about the voices (during the onset) they didn’t like what I told them. Prior to the onset, I was their pillar of support, listening to them when they needed someone, and my illness removed my capacity to do that. I was suddenly in need of support, but they preferred the other me, the one who was strong and calm. Maybe this is why I have so much trouble being honest about how I really feel.
Ah so you’re perhaps more withdrawn than clingy? That makes sense too. I’m more the withdrawing type. But I’ve decided to be more myself because if people abandon me for who i am, then that is better then them staying with me for something I am pretending to be.
That’s pretty much how I ended up devoid of friends for years. But maybe it’s unrealistic of me to expect the average person to know what to say to someone with schizophrenia?
I just don’t know if I’m depressed “enough” to warrant going on another drug.
With the gratitude and my behaviour, it feels I’m just going through the motions to undermine what the voices say, rather than being kind because I genuinely care. The voices sound less logical when calling me horrible names, if my behaviour is good. But I feel like a reptile. Cold. Empty.