Latley sense the birth of my daughter I’ve noticed it all getting worse. Worse then eveer before. When I was a child I started hallucinating. At the age of four. At the age of 7 my delusions started and by the time I was a 7th grader I was completely unnatatched from society. I would rarley speak and never ever leave my room. I pushed away my family I became to self harm and abuse drugs and alcohol trying to get a handle I was still not diagnosed but had been shuffled from councler to councler with not relife or hope. I am 19 now I was diagnosed a year ago with deppresive type schitzophectice order with the high probability for developing biapolar. I got into a physchologist and started medication. I didn’t get the chance to find a single one the worked until I was blessed with the news of my daughter seeing medication is not safe for a unborn fetus I stop all medication and have not seen my physiologist sense. I am still breastfeeding and can’t take medication as it poses a risk for my daughter. But every day I can control me emotions less I am so mad then want to cry then depressed for usually no reason at all. I have been haveing worse physchotic episodes I can’t not speak or move sometimes. Sometimes I am very hateful and scream hurtful words at my boyfriend. I still need to self harm everyday but I don’t. But I am numb. I don’t eat because I can’t think and o have the hardest time doing simple things like showering or getting my daughter or 2 step kids dresses. Every holiday I have an episode where I am so angry I can’t stop. But what scared me most was last night I couldn’t ask my boyfriend to help me I couldnt even go find him I was trying to make sense to speak to think what to do and I couldnt. It went on for hours I couldn’t not quite the voices to hear myself like they are suffocating me out. Every time there is any noise at home I am scared. I get physically sick leaving the house because I can’t cope. I have noticed if I have the finest bit of stress it triggers an episode I either black out in a fit of rage or black out and numb out and can’t function. I don’t know what to do. Raising a 3 yr old a 4 yr old and a 4 month old is stressful and always will be. I know I need to be medicated but I haven’t found one that works I can not be in the least bit drugged out with my kids. like I have been on every medication I tried previously. My boyfriend works full time because I can’t hold a job. Which means I’m home alone more and makes my schizophrenia worse. I try to keep my mind buzy and active but its just getting worse and worse. My speech is jumbled which was never the way I graduated high school with high honors. And now I can’t not begin to do math sit and read a book write anything in chronicle order… Etc. My schizophrenia has made me stupid. I hate myself everyday especially when it’s me that’s making my boyfriend mad or I’m the ruining or day because I say the most hurtful stuff. Half the time I don’t even know what I say. I’m so upset I’m so empty and lost and confused. I have researched my disorder and I seem to have pretty much every symptoms I could. I just want to be normal for my kids. And I don’t want then to have to see my eat a pharmacy full of medications every single day. I feel like a burden and every single day I think if everyone would be better off with out me my daughter would never have to deal with her mommy being sick. I hate the thought of ever not holding her close but I hate what I do to my family every day no matter how hard I try not to.
hope you feel better.
Big Hug
I honestly don’t know what to say except telling you “do not panic”. Besides this, you can pray.
I really feel for you, you are in a right situation, I would say seek help. At least your are able to put all your woes into words which is great, you can talk it through with a professional 
I understand where your coming from not wanting to take the drugs while trying to bring up kids. I’m sure there is someone who would happily help you out with them I to have experienced the height schizophrenia when I’m alone and could not face walking out the door but what I found was very small steps, if someone you trust would take you out for a walk just to talk and somewhere you feel safe going would be a really good step.
Hope this helps and feel better soon
Oh, dear.
Listen. You are now a mom of two ( or three?) little kids who still don’t understand what is happening around them and whose needs are basically limited to food, sleep, poop and play. You can still ‘get away’ with your psychosis and emotional instability, but as they grow up, each and every year, their demands and needs will be bigger and harder for you to get them done.
That’s why, for the sake of a safe future for you and your kids, you have to start working on your recovery, you have to see the psychiatrist and work with him to find the right medication.
Now, about breastfeeding. I made the decision to quit breastfeeding my boy at 4th month, because I was feeling so bad, depressed, neurotic, unstable, sleepless - and that was affecting my baby more than switching to baby formula.
He is now happy and healthy 4yr old boy.
Take a day off. Call a babysitter, have a few hours for yourself, go see the professional.
You gonna crush sooner or later …and, you don’t even have a moment to enjoy your motherhood now… You are blessed with those kids and you deserve to enjoy that blessing as much as your kids deserve to have a happy and stable mother.
My Pdoc said that some antidepressants are safe to take while breastfeeding. And there is no harm in bottle feeding if need be. Millions of infants are bottle fed everyday and they turn out great. It must be crazy having so many hormones in your body while pregnant then right after birth the # declines so dramatically, it really messes with you. You have to do what you think is best for your baby. Make an informed decision. Open a dialogue with your drs.
I have 3 kids my 4 month old daughter and my 2 step children. I saw my dad take prescription meds for pain my whole childhood and how absence he was because of them I don’t want to be like my father and I don’t want my kids to have to deal with me being sick. I don’t want them to grow up embarrassed.
Well while I was pregnant my symptoms were better and the 9 months I didn’t have to deal with it being so intense I forgot how to and it has gotten worse sense then
Of course I agree with this.
Well…it is your life, you’re in charge.
It has nothing to do with your father though, you are two different individuals, within different context and circumstances.
I’m glad to hear that your pregnancy went so well. Its a very important time for the developing fetus, that the mother does well too. Immediately after birth the hormone levels drop from something like 100,000 to 0 in minutes. This is what causes most womens depression and psychosis besides situational stuff. Maybe @radmedtech or @mortimermouse know more about this?
Well, honestly, I suggest you get on meds as soon as you are done breastfeeding. You are suffering from psychosis and what looks like post partum depression pretty severely.
There are new meds which aren’t zombie meds like latuda and abilify and Geodon. I take Geodon and I function very well.
And I suggest no more kids. Odds are if you have five, at least one will be schizophrenic.
Also, you need to eat for your baby.
I tried 11 meds so far the problem being is my mood stables a little bit but voices were not better hallucinations were not any better it seems. Me in my physchitrist discussed the need for a mood stabilizer antipsychotic anti depressants anit anxiety long term meds. Imidiate anxiety medication like valum a tranquilizer of some sort for my sever episodes blood pressure medication for my bad heart my night terror medicine not sure what that one was called… Even if I ever get medicine that covers it all so far it was a struggle to force myself to take meds as I’m convinced they are the governments posion. Reason being I have a newborn daughter because daily birth control pills didn’t go over well as I deteriated. I feel hopeless I don’t have the fight in me to play med shuffle and o just want to give up and not exist.
You could include your partner at least into your medicament treatment. Like, to ask him to check on you every time you have to take medication, and to make sure that he doesn’t forget, he could just turn on the alarm.
I think that your health is in his interest as well. After all, you are taking care of his kids (if I got it right) and he should get engaged just a bit more.
You sound really sick and overwhelmed. My sincere advice is to take a day for yourself, and visit the professional, at least for a talk.
Maybe that little time out and seeing your situation from doctor’s perspective will clear that fog you’re stuck into this moment.
I totally agree with that.
I really empathize with her. Can’t imagine handling three kids in such state! 
I saw my physchologist today and am starting 2mg tablets of perhenazine and then up to 4 mg thankyou so much for extra encourment I needed i hope this helps
I love you because of honesty,your the. Bestt and bravest person i know now,you buck up,ur in for a hell of a ride,might as well face it now,like idid,your going to go through these times,rest on the fact your family will always lov you,like i did,they always will,u dont have to carry the weight of the world,just the weight of testing out neew meds till one works