The other day I got mad over something with my mother, later that day I apologize for getting mad over something that wasn’t a big deal then she told me it okay it was your bipolar talking.
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My mother is like that. She lives with a completely false narrative with regards to my illness
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I get mad and then I regret being mad ad infinitum.
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I face ignorance and frustration.
They won’t educate themselves. Even my sister who supposedly loves me.
They ask stupid questions I won’t answer instead of googling SZ cause you care.
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I get the impression that many of the people I deal with think that they could live with my condition better than me, if they had it. That they’d be out there holding a full time job somewhere. Wow, they would be in for a brutal surprise. Maybe this impression is hallucination.
I’ve sent people articles about the top myths about those with schizophrenia. They don’t read or remember the myths.
The most I can do is keep educating them. This is hard because one relative always does this sharp intake of breath when I talk about the threats I’m hearing in my mind, like it’s painful to hear about it, so I don’t feel I can talk about it freely.
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My aunt (mom’s older sister) once speculated my mental illness was a result of my being born out of wedlock. Thanks for that, auntie.
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She was probably watching Alex jones.
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I have been getting the silent treatment from my parents for years despite living in the same house, even before the psychosis. Not that I am blameless of that, and I am fine with it.
Better avoidance than creating emotional drama I end up regretting. Usually I get frustrated from the pain/disassociation and ask them for help, only to receive the same routine: ‘We are too ignorant to give any adequate advice, go be someone else’s problem. Contact a psychologist, they give a $&%^ more than we do.’
And if I try to argue, ‘F$%^ you @$$h0%*’. I sometimes think my parents are hyper intelligent psychopaths, who pretend to be stupid to bamboozle my mind.
So I have given up asking for advice, hoping that they will change or get me any useful help. I have no trust in them for anything at all. When my memories are less prevalent in my mind I would try to argue to myself that they are not bad, and then another bad experience would reinforce what I knew and could not actively remember to act on.
When my mind gets extremely angry from the chemical effects outside of my control, I have to remind myself that my troubles are chemical, not of social elements, and even then I cannot control my anger fully, with my parents being the main antagonists to that anger’s draw. Luckily it only lasts less than 30 minutes usually, but it comes in multiple waves over the course of weeks.
Living in the same house as them with little social contact, I have to remind myself of who they really are, so as to avoid being gaslighted into a bully’s game.
I know that if I am fully conscious, my first move will be to remove my parents out of my attention span and focus on taking action instead. I cannot forgive them, but I can and will put them behind me. Someday, I hope to be so happy and consciously in control of myself, that I can just forget them entirely.
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