I would go to a group if there were one in my town.
I love my fellow scz. I want to work in a mental hospital and research them while doing so. I am very interested in the highly intelligent paranoid subtype individuals. I myself have it, but people can’t tell unless I am having a horrible day and really should just be in bed.
I have a knack for psychology. I just have a feel for it. I also have pretty darn solid research skills, so I want to get a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. I want to practice and investigate at the same time. I have so many questions about people like me.
But above all I want to help my own kind, not just write about them. I want to assess and treat psychotic patients and further assess the ones with high premorbid intelligence for research so that I can find tailored treatment for them. There is a recent assertion in the research literature that the highly intelligent people with scz are quite possibly clinically distinct- maybe even a different disorder.
I am interested in our habits of defense mechanisms and corresponding behaviors. What that means is I am curious about how we look at things, how we cope with things, and how we behave given the way we see things.
Intellectualization and splitting are my two main defense mechanisms, with sublimation following closely behind- it is more of a product of my intellectualization. What the hell does that even mean? It means I explain away what is not okay, I see the world in black and white, and I find outlets which are healthy for unhealthy feelings. But are they really unhealthy or a normal and logical response to my problems? Are they due to my background or are they due to my brain structure and chemical imbalance?
So many questions, the mystery of how I became who I am and how others like me arrived at their current states as well. How can we guide more people to better lives when they have what I and many of my fellow scz have? What about when they have some or one of the common traits in advanced recovering (recovery never ends, it is a lifelong process) but not all of the common traits? Does intelligence make it easier or harder or have no effect on our ability to cope? Higher intelligence is correlated (goes with) worse positive symptoms (hallucinations, delusions, messed up speech), so is it really a desirable trait? But then the meds work best for people with worse positive symptoms, so theoretically they should be better off- but does the burden of being labeled as capable damage people with our illness?
I want to know.