For those of you who do not know me, I am a diagnosed schizophrenic who is (finally) at ease with her illness, takes her meds regularly and is doing her best to have a normal life alongside with her partner in business and in life and their 3 months old son. Although the medication comes with a few side effects that burden my life, I finally got to the point where I honestly believe those side effects are smaller than the damage my affliction itself can cause to me and to the rest of my family, so I take every possible measure to make sure my psychotic episodes do not repeat themselves thus debilitating me and my loved ones. I have next to no positive symptoms of SZ (apart from the psychosys) and a few negative ones that justify my diagnose.
My current antipsychotic, amisulpridum (solian) seems too be taking care of the psychosys only, leaving me with only little aid to battle the recurrent lack of ability to speak , avolition, disorganisation of thoughts, lack of interest and ability to focus my attention, sleep issues and the tendency to prefer an imaginary world to the real one. This is why I decided to join this forum and maybe get your imput on what I am trying to do to alleviate these symptoms and enrich the quality of my life.
So, today I was thinking about how my psychosys manifests itself and I got to the conclusion that it does only little affect my personality, what it does in exchange is to exacerbate some of my personality traits and bring them to a level where I can express them. I have been abused in childhood (a very aggressive mother, diagnosed with schizotimic personality but who did not treat her affliction and a brother who raped me several times and used to beat the s**t out of me, no father) and thus I grew up as a docile, timid and very ill child. When my first psychosys took place, my real personality and temperament emerged : everyone found themselves facing a coleric, outspoken, stubborn, smart woman who could manipulate everybody who was not aware what was happening to get to her goals.
Now, you may well say : so what is wrong with that kind of personality? Sounds like a powerful woman, not a sick person. Well, the problem is the goals themselves were delirious or simply absent : I took pleasure in finally expressing my real personality, but I had nothing really in my mind, I was doing it for the heck of it, creating a lot of mixed feelings in the ones around me. A good friend used to say about me: “she used to be a mountain, now she is a mere pile of sand” referring to the fact that my discourse ceased to be structured towards a finality and my actions leaded nowhere.
So, as I said, I was thinking about that now that I"m back to my docile, avolic, aphasic and unattentive state due to not being psychotic. I"m thinking: that over there, the personality I develop during the psychosys is what I do best. I really am this stubborn, smart, aggressive, resourceful and daring woman. All I need to do is to make sure that I don"t get into a manic state that will take control of my natural qualities (therefore take my friggin" meds) and also find means to constantly copy, in my lucid state, the behaviour I have in my delirious one, but with clear goals , with good measure (not to do things for the heck of it, but only if their purpose is clear in my head ) and with respect for the ones I love.
In conclusion to this long, self-centered post which I thank you for reading: I"m taking a pen and paper, making a plan for today and I promise to all of you who have read this that I"ll update this thread with what I got at the end of the day as a result of this moment of epiphany.
Thank you for being here for me