As of late I’ve been real negative, like, real, real negative. My mental health has been deteriorating with all 3 of my mental disorders coming out of the dugout to swing on first. And they get a hit every time it feels like. The cartel was hired again by the shadows to put a hit on me, though, I can recognize that it’s probably a delusion. I’ve been seeing shadow people all day, everyday. OCD has been getting worse, and my BPD is also not being regulated very well, in fact all of these are discombobulated; leaving me in a state of neuroticism and disarray. And I can throw a fast ball at the particular reason and get a strike.
Work has been tough. Working in a big grocery store is stressful enough, but it’s even more if you have high anxiety and other issues. There were three people that knew of my situation at work, now, all three of them are gone, either quit or fired. With the last two being my boss and his wife, the rest of the crew and I have been hit hard. We’ve stayed at least an hour over everytime I’ve been there, so at least 3 days a week, since at least Thanksgiving. It’s all falling apart, and I’m tumbling with it. Stocking is a very fast paced, physical job. One that I’m not sure I have the willpower or strength to do consistently. And this is where my guilt comes into play.
Where I live, and the people around me, is an environment that is heavily predicated on practicality and hard work. And unfortunately, that means some of us are left out. Some in my family have this “practical” mindset, and get frustrated when my schizophrenia acts up to the point I’m not able to function correctly to work. My parents aren’t very happy when I talk about how hard it can be, and mentioning of quitting. Which, to be clear, I don’t plan on not working, but rather finding a less stressful job. The conflict occurs when they say there is no less stressful job, and I have it easy. I know there will always be stress, but currently I can’t handle my burden of it. Arguing leads to triggering of my Borderline Personality Disorder, which in turn ramps up negative, suicidal thoughts. And they don’t believe in going to a hospital to get help, they have clearly made it known to me.
I’m hoping to get advice from this post, and not feel so lonely, because right now, I feel like a cat in a pack of dogs. I don’t know how much I can take, definitely with this week, starting tomorrow, I work 4am-to whenever the job is done, three days in a row. Quite honestly I feel alienated from society. Please don’t take this to be me talking bad about my family, for I love my family, but simply, I don’t think they understand what it’s like.