Feeling Guilty For Having Schizophrenia

As of late I’ve been real negative, like, real, real negative. My mental health has been deteriorating with all 3 of my mental disorders coming out of the dugout to swing on first. And they get a hit every time it feels like. The cartel was hired again by the shadows to put a hit on me, though, I can recognize that it’s probably a delusion. I’ve been seeing shadow people all day, everyday. OCD has been getting worse, and my BPD is also not being regulated very well, in fact all of these are discombobulated; leaving me in a state of neuroticism and disarray. And I can throw a fast ball at the particular reason and get a strike.

Work has been tough. Working in a big grocery store is stressful enough, but it’s even more if you have high anxiety and other issues. There were three people that knew of my situation at work, now, all three of them are gone, either quit or fired. With the last two being my boss and his wife, the rest of the crew and I have been hit hard. We’ve stayed at least an hour over everytime I’ve been there, so at least 3 days a week, since at least Thanksgiving. It’s all falling apart, and I’m tumbling with it. Stocking is a very fast paced, physical job. One that I’m not sure I have the willpower or strength to do consistently. And this is where my guilt comes into play.

Where I live, and the people around me, is an environment that is heavily predicated on practicality and hard work. And unfortunately, that means some of us are left out. Some in my family have this “practical” mindset, and get frustrated when my schizophrenia acts up to the point I’m not able to function correctly to work. My parents aren’t very happy when I talk about how hard it can be, and mentioning of quitting. Which, to be clear, I don’t plan on not working, but rather finding a less stressful job. The conflict occurs when they say there is no less stressful job, and I have it easy. I know there will always be stress, but currently I can’t handle my burden of it. Arguing leads to triggering of my Borderline Personality Disorder, which in turn ramps up negative, suicidal thoughts. And they don’t believe in going to a hospital to get help, they have clearly made it known to me.

I’m hoping to get advice from this post, and not feel so lonely, because right now, I feel like a cat in a pack of dogs. I don’t know how much I can take, definitely with this week, starting tomorrow, I work 4am-to whenever the job is done, three days in a row. Quite honestly I feel alienated from society. Please don’t take this to be me talking bad about my family, for I love my family, but simply, I don’t think they understand what it’s like.

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Are you taking any meds currently?

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Nobody is judging you.
You are going through a lot.
Just vent.

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Yes, two antipsychotics, risperdal and caplyta. I’m on 3mg of risperdal and 42mg of caplyta. And on other meds.

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When do you speak to your psychiatrist again? You need to get them up to speed on how you feel.

I don’t know much about capylta , but it’s a pretty new med. Maybe it’s not strong enough for your symptoms.

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Just talked with him last Monday, and we went up on risperdal. Caplyta really helps me in the negative symptoms department, but I don’t know if it does much with the positive symptoms. Risperdal does do that, though, so I guess we’ll wait and see.

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I think your issue is with them. You better talk more often about how you’re feeling…

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My whole family says I talk about it too much, so unfortunately, I’ll be ignored. I think it might be because they don’t want to have raised a failure of a human being.

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That’s good news. These things take a while to work though.

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It’s sad, I can relate.
I was “forced” to work as soon as I got out of hospital twenty years ago…
Nobody wanted to notice I can’t handle it…
It lasted long, about eight years.
Kept telling I must work, pushing me into nonsence jobs.
Don’t let that happen to you, you need a break…

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I agree, and I say that, but it goes ignored.

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I’m sorry you had to do it for so long.

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Until they realized I’m cracking… :roll_eyes:

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Can you find less demanding job?

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I’m trying to, but unfortunately none have gotten back to me after applying.

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What does your psychiatrist say?

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He really just focuses on my symptoms. However, my therapist agrees that I need to change my job.

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Can you manage therapist to tell your parents that?

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I’m hoping, we talk next week, and I’m going to bring my dad.

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Thats a start, I guess…
You can PM me when you are going through hard times…

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