You don’t see how hard I work. You haven’t seen all the ways I’ve grown and improved. I’m not going to sit here and tell you my life is all sunshine and roses cause it’s not. I have ups and I have downs. Just because I have downs doesn’t mean I don’t try.
I wouldn’t keep going to therapy if I wasn’t trying. I wouldn’t be pushing myself out of my comfort zone if I wasn’t trying.
I have been dealt a rough hand and I am working with it as best I can. Despite every set back, every relapse, and every break down I have I keep getting back up and trying.
Even though it hurts and there are times where I question if I should keep going. I keep trying to improve. I persist.
You can think of me as a lazy pessimistic loser that does nothing to help myself. But you’re wrong
Honestly I think it’s a mix of borderline and my physical health. I had some negative thoughts that just kind of ended up spiraling out of control. I think I’m starting to feel a bit better. I’m doing my best to fight the bad thoughts off!!
You say I do nothing to help myself often. Which is honestly super frustrating. And it makes me feel like you view me as close to something like a loser that doesn’t try.
So if I may ask, if that is not the case how do you actually view me??
I’ll see if I ever get to a point if I ever feel safe enough to try meds. I might I might not. At the end of the day I’m still going to keep fighting to improve regardless of what happens
How much reassurance do you need? We tell you great things about yourself and that you are worthy of love and respect and it sounds like your friends really like you but you still wallow in this same self doubt and self loathing. What else can we say to you at this point? Tell us.
I hope things improve in terms of your feeling of worth. No one should ever feel like this. I think theres a process and part of that process is taking everything on board whether it seems helpful or not.
Both of what seems harsh and kind can be helpful.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, none of it really matters because you are protected and guided and any experience is meant for your own growth.
You are valued and understood, i hope you have a better night
Honestly I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. It’s a constant struggle to try and convince myself that I’m worthy of love.
If someone tells me they love me or that they care it helps a lot in the moment, but it’s almost like it doesn’t stick.
I do everything I can to remind myself of things that people have said or done to show me they care, but sometimes it’s not enough.
I get consumed by this doubt of “what if they changed their mind and now they hate me” or “what if they’re just lying to me” etc.
It’s almost like my brain rationalizes it as " they said they loved you yesterday but maybe they don’t today"
Literally the smallest thing can kickstart a downward spiral of doubt and I hate it. Because even though I’ve worked on it and changed how I react and what I do with those feelings it’s still unbelievably painful.
I hate asking for reassurance but without reassurance I struggle to fight it off. And I hate that. I hate that I can’t just believe that I am loved I hate that I can’t just feel loved.
I’ve been working on it in therapy but it’s painfully slow. I feel so broken man.