Since going down to 2.5mg Abilify two weeks ago, there have been some changes. Not all of them were good. I will outline them briefly. No real need for anyone to respond, just getting thoughts out.
I’ve experienced an improvement in anhedonia, or maybe mood. I feel better and a bit more stable emotionally, though I still experience psychosis about 3 times a week like clockwork. Lately, I can almost. anticipate exactly when it will come. So that’s not an issue really.
My psychosis attacks have gotten better since I was on higher doses, maybe from time passing, and maybe from the lower antipsychotic doses. They still feel devastating when they come, but pass quickly.
I’m not trolling now, just being honest about what my life has become. The reality is that something, either the antipsychotics or the illness, has messed with my impulse control in a very specific and discomforting way. I experience compulsive urges for sexual release about a dozen times a day, as a result, I spend most of my time trying to satisfy these urges myself and not getting my homework or much of anything else done. It just seems diabolical, the way in which my libido and cycle of arousal has changed. After I am “finished” I find myself disgusted by whatever fantasy I was engaged in, however after about ten minutes I am very urgently needing another release again.
Sorry for being explicit in describing that, it has just taken up such a huge part of my life in the past two days, I feel that this focus has become much worse after decreasing my Abilify.
Hypersexuality was an issue on most of my previous antipsychotics too. Just never as bad as it is now. For a little background, before meds/illness I would masturbate…maybe twice a week or so. I was really focused on other things in my life…kind of like most normal healthy people are. And after I was done I was good for half a week. Occasionally I would go a couple weeks without doing it, especially when I had a project I was working on. Something which diverted my focus and energy.
What do you reckon? Is it the Abilify, or can untreated psychosis cause hypersexuality? I don’t feel manic at all in any other way, in fact I’m quite level, or even unmotivated, which I will explain further.
The other issue is motivation and persistence in activities. While my abilities haven’t deteriorated in this aspect, I feel that I am steadily not getting anything productive done. I don’t even persist in the activities I used to enjoy, as if I no longer have any interest in them. So while I feel happier in general, I also feel unable to get any traction and get going.
As for the instability of moods, I have become more stable and do not feel as if I’m constantly on the verge of tearing up and intermittently falling into suicidal ideation. This has been a nice change for me. I hope it persists.
So, while my mood is stable, my ability to control certain very specific impulses is not. If I could just channel the energy I spend on…well, you know…into things like my homework and life, I would feel as if I were moving forward. It’s too bad I can, basically, hardly pull myself out of my bed, and spend 3 or 4 hours in there during the day even though I’m not sleeping.
TLDR: I cannot go back up to a higher dose of abilify, as I was even less stable with severe OCD and anxiety, as well as akathisia and TD. I also slept far too long to do things. It was not sustainable. While life is beautiful and all that, I feel that I’m not experiencing it to the fullest at all, as I rarely leave my room when I am not forced to do so. What do you suggest I do to get back in my groove and start actually doing things and giving a damn about life again?
I hope the Ativan and sleep help.