I am a 56 year old schizophrenia patient. I was diagnosed with this illness way back in 1988. I was hospitalized and given 7 ECT’s.My overt symptoms subsided but many of my delusions never went away.
I have been working as a college teacher for the last 23 years. Whenever I have a fit of anger or my delusions become intense my family feels that I am a bad man and not a sick person. They are reluctant to educate themselves about schizophrenia. They always try to find fault with me. They have no sympathy with me. They aid my anger rather than mitigating it. I feel helpless.
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Do you have friends that take a more sympathetic view of your illness?
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I know what you mean.
But you are a teacher. I think it’s great
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My mother has learnt a lot about schizophrenia reading books and articles, but my father hasn’t. My father accepts me with my illness, but he doesn’t know so much about schizophrenia. My family accept me, but people in general tend to reject me.
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Fortunately I 'm a teacher but it is with great difficulty that I perform my lectures. When students are silent I find it hard to overcome the delusion of persecution. I feel that students intend to ridicule me or mock at me. When they say that I am good at teaching I struggle with the delusion of grandeur.
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My parents know very little about schizophrenia and blame me for my behavior. They don’t like me. Still I am living with them.
Except for my two daughters nobody is sympathetic. I am afraid of revealing my illness to my friends because it is a stigma and it may jeopardize my job.
I am quite open about my illness.
I fight against the stigma and misconceptions
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It’s something to be brave about.
hi @Bipul_Sinha welcome to the forum.
You’re not alone. My family is indifferent about my schizophrenia, they don’t care & don’t know anything about it. I have rage issues - whenever I have psychotic symptoms they are accompanied by feelings of rage & anguish. I find it’s best to try not to get angry as it only damages my reputation (which I work very hard to develop as a positive one) and burns bridges. To cope with my unsupportive family, I try to keep my distance and spend time either alone or with friends instead. I won’t be spending xmas with family this year as I need a break from them & their expectations.
What do you teach? I work in libraries.
Welcome to the community and congratulations to you for all you’ve accomplished in spite of having schizophrenia, that’s amazing!
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I am happy to find someone who is facing the same challenges. I teach physics.
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Thank you very much!
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welcome to the forum !! a Physics professor !! how noble !! good for you…sorry your family is like that.
Thank you very much!
It is a great relief to know that I am not alone. There are people like me. What you have written has a very soothing effect on me. I teach physics to undergraduate and postgraduate students. In the classroom two types of delusions keep haunting me. They are delusions of persecution and grandeur. It is with great difficulty that I overcome them and try not to reveal my symptoms to the class.
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Thank you very much! But unfortunately whenever someone appreciates my accomplishments as a teacher the delusion of grandeur tries get the better of me. I begin to feel that no other teacher can outclass me.
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Welcome to the community. You will get understanding here.
I don’t think anyone who has not been in your shoes has a grasp on what you go through with an illness like Schizophrenia.
I keep to myself mostly and release very few details to others and mask what I am going through. That’s possible because this site can be a useful outlet when things are getting bad and you need to talk - even if it’s online.
I hope you stick around. Even on good days you can help others and on bad days get some reassurances.
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Thanks a lot! It is a great idea to keep my abnormal feelings masked and reveal them only to the forum .
@Bipul_Sinha I can understand your feelings of persecution & grandeur. It is not healthy to entertain delusions as they are self-destructive but, like most delusions, they are originally based in reality before they get bigger & out of touch with reality. Undergrad & post grad Physics is a big deal - Wow! Well done. I qualified as an architect in my youth & physics was a component of that. Although good at maths, I found comprehension of physics elusive. Physics describes the structure of the universe and it is great that you are a master of it. Be proud. But you have to get along with people in a reasonable manner too.
I taught undergrad architecture students & that role did give a sense of power & authority - moulding young minds, hopefully for the better & in a morally upright manner, helping them to make the world a better place. But I was also talking to myself in the stairwells when alone, quite psychotic. And very unhappy, lonely & tormented.
I feel persecuted after lots of social interactions. I feel offended, misunderstood, overlooked, under-valued, unjustly blamed. Some of that may be real but most of it is paranoia and my over-reaction to social situations. Over-reactions are just that, not real.
I have struggled with workplace relationships- with colleagues and managers - for the last 20 years. These days I work casual shifts so my managers & colleagues change every shift. That way I can’t get deluded about this relationship or that interaction because next shift, it’s different staff & different expectations. If you are able to work part time or full time permanent that is a great strength.
I find ap’s very helpful. Have you got a pdoc & meds?