Journal entry Jan 15, 2015…
I feel so useless. I live in a dirty house with weedy paving in the yard. Dust lies everywhere, clothes go unironed, stacked, waiting to be ironed or sewn and I just lie in bed on my computer or in a book. I feel so utterly f***ing useless. How am I ever going to get things done? I want to, but I don’t have the initiative or the energy. My mind is stuck in its own thoughts, voices threatening to pipe up “you liar, you hypocrite, you worthless ■■■■■■■” thoughts unfinished in a jumbled haze. What is normality? Is there any normal? F*** this disease. F*** life. F*** everything. Space is limited. I’m taking up too much space. Crawl in a ball, lie down, sleep, sleep, sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Yes I cannot wait to get to bed and sleep
Hello, I am sorry that you are feeling this way and are stuck. I hope this passes really soon and you can get things done. Maybe you can do something nice for yourself, something small, like write a poem, or take a bubble bath. I hope you feel well soon. Take care!
We’ve all been there. You have to cut yourself some slack. Accept that things that may be simple work for others are like climbing mountains for us. Don’t base your self worth on the standards set for those not struggling with serious mental illness, or you’ll always feel deficient.
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Maybe take a walk to that beautiful beach of your`s?
My journal entry for this AM: 16 Jan. 2015
I’ve been up all night. On the computer again. Tried to sleep early yesterday evening but got up at 6 pm after only 2 hours of sleep. At 7:30 pm, I left my house to go to morning mass. Got my coat, hat and gloves on and went out the door when I asked myself, “Why is it so dark out?” Then, I came back in and looked at the clock. It was 7:30 PM! And if that wasn’t bad enough, 15 minutes later, I put my coat and hat and gloves on again and prepared to leave for mass again, when it dawned on me that it was night time. Again! Man, this cognitive decline business is a bi-atch, no matter what it’s causes. Today, my nurse is coming. No shot today. I wonder if I should just cancel? It is 8:30 am now and I don’t feel sleepy. Just very cold. So what is the point of cancelling? I probably won’t sleep anyway.