for those of you who showed an interest in contributing your experiences to a book on schiz by schizophrenics, i’m starting the prodromal chapter now. so what i would like from you is the time you first noticed that something was very wrong, either with the world or with yourself. how did it start for you? tell me about the onset of paranoia, symptoms. beliefs, was it sudden or gradual? who did it involve? were you taking illicit drugs at the time? what did you see, hear, feel, experience or believe? obviously this will be written under pseudonyms so pick a name and lets get writing folks!! either p.m. me if you don’t want anyone else here reading it or post on this thread. many thanks.
You can use my 2nd episode topic first post in your book.
My pseudoname : Mike Roch 
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It started when I was 11. I thought I had made my aunt have a miscarriage because I loved Star Wars more than my family. I thought it might happen because I was more excited about revenge of the sith coming out than I was about having a baby cousin. Well my cousin died in birth and I thought I was responsible. I was a drug free eleven year old. What happened when I was 18 is a different story entirely. I don’t want to talk about when I was 18 and schizophrenia really hit me like a train. I do well to give my past the middle finger and not entertain the idea of ruminating on it. Sometimes when I have relapses, I wish I was back in my teens and ■■■■■■ up beyond all repair or recognition. I had nothing to lose and felt free back then. Here I am planning when to write papers and worrying about scoring only in the 60th percentile on the GRE.
Life is a bitch sometimes. I gave up on living for myself. I just want to die after making an impact on people who have suffered as I have suffered. A positive impact, that is.
Pseudonym “Moe”
It all started when I was 24. I started to feel threatened by the success of other people at the company alongside severe depression of losing my first job for an unjust case where I was mistreated. It hit me hard as I arrived to my home country and had to show love and sincere feeling to my family at a time when I thought emotions are only a technique to win other people and is wrong. I wanted to help them in my own way which was peak psychosis at the time. Now all I want is to resume the old function of being employed and succesful and I care the least of what people think or say.
Well…
Was working 60 hours a week at a sandwich shop. Was smoking weed everyday and drinking 4 or 5 energy drinks(5 hr energy shots included). I’d also take adderal when it was available and drink during some of my night shifts.
People started sending messages about my/their sexualities. It was a mixed crowd. I still don’t really know who was what, and I don’t really care.
Anyways that developed this world view where straight people were trying suppress/kill off people who thought about universal bisexuality.
I guess I was going through some ■■■■ and I thought it unfair. It seemed better to try and hold beliefs that would allow me to imagine they were all going through it as well.
Don’t much like looking back on it. I wouldn’t be in this mess if I had gleamed the wisdom I have at an earlier age.
Anyways it extended beyond work, suddenly my family members were potentially gay. I thought they were avoiding me and with the telepathy involved I could shut up or change my mind.
Over a period of a few months I went from being a normal dude living in the real world to a total mental case. Everyone was against me in my mind. Smoking pot and thinking about all this ■■■■ set the stage for voices. And they were evil. My roommates would state “there are straight people and there are gay people and straight people will ■■■■■■■ kill you.” Heard that so many times.
Then I couldn’t sleep do to the voices. They were telling me to kill myself. I still thought it was all real. That complicated things.
Eventually I went to another town. I found myself in “straight” territory. 10 hrs and a pack of smokes later, with voices raging that whole time, they eventually set up a scenario in my world view that made suicide seem like the best option. My head was ■■■■■■ and I was backed into a corner. Couldn’t sleep. As soon as the girl I was staying with with woke up I took a knife to my throat. Still get a creepy feeling remembering that.
My logic was that I was gonna make her watch, she seemed to be in on the whole thing. She ended up saving me.
I would have never gone to the hospital myself. Kind of took the attempt to get me there. Looking back I can see how nice most of the people were and how they were only trying to help. I was afraid of all of them at the time though.
That ■■■■ will never happen again.
I was highly psychotic for a couple more years. Still have the hallucinations. After getting back from the psych ward a second time though I knew I was safe, people wanted me to live.
Moniker should be… Moni Ker.
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