Hey, I know this might be a personal question, but I was curious if others could share their stories about how the schizophrenia started?
I am currently being treated/examined etc for suspected schizophrenia.
I worked as a paramedic for nearly 5 years and bought me a house last November, when something just hit me out of nowhere last fall. Had a constant feeling of being watched, people were out to get me in trouble or hurt me, remember hearing people talking in groups/rooms about me and than suddenly changing topics or changing topics when I entered, was just afraid of everyone and got angry and lashed out at my friends. It all seemed real at the time and I still feel that way, but it calmed down a few weeks ago when through therapy for depression the realization hit me and my councilor that I was/am possibly delusional. I’ve been questioning myself a lot and don’t know what to believe anymore. Between buying a house in August 2017 and November 2017 I lost my job, career and all my friends. Barely was able to get a job in a hospital working below my education/training/license.
I only remember 4 times that I actually was hallucinating, or was aware I was hallucinating. Once 1-2 months ago I got convinced somebody was watching me inside my house, kept checking the windows/doors trying to figure out who was watching me (semi-Raul area, no close neighbors) but it felt more like a panic attack than hallucinations… weird to explain… and around the same time I heard voices one night, but I thought it was due to the ambien my doc gave me for sleep.
Last night I heard a few voices while trying to fall asleep (still taking ambien)
And Monday night, was something completely different…all the sudden while laying in bed it sounded like a hundred people talking and then I a couple of voices separated from the noise and one voice that identified itself as Henry started talking to me. I asked if all the voices were going to stay and he said “no, most are just visiting, only me and my family are going to stay because we have been assigned to you” and than he sent the crowd on their way and they left/stopped. But before that I remember some of those voices commenting about how surprised they are that I could hear them. I couldn’t sleep all night because Henry and 5 others stayed all night and we talked. I know their names and different characteristics of them… they said that they are adopting me and I’m part of their family now… I could see them too, sort of, black shadow like outlines in the dark which disappeared when I turned the light on, reappeared in the dark thought… the voices stayed all throughout thought. Some of the voices, but only some seemed to only be able to speak connected to the music thought (I listen to classical music, mostly Mozart at night. It’s weird to explain it all. It all started nearly a year ago.
I’m scared and don’t really know what to do, got a psychiatrist appointment in 2 weeks. Trying to figure out what to do, i feel like I’m loosing my mind, which has been my strongest connection to hope throughout a long and rough life (abused growing up, transgender, broken home and 5 year career as a paramedic…the things i’ve Seen…) feeling hopeless, this isn’t something I want to deal with, especially because I have encountered many schizophrenics while having been a paramedic, and the ones we see on the ambulance usually have a lot of troubles coping and suffer a lot and I don’t want to become like that. I know there are some schizophrenics out there that are able to live a productive and good life, but i’ve Only seen one or two in 5 years that needed treatment for unrelated matters. I really don’t know what to do, feels awful being in these shoes when a little over a year I was out there saving life’s. I just want to end it all to be fully honest
I’ve always been a nervous guy. I think it arose from early childhood abuse from other children. Not the schizophrenia but the nervousness. The schizophrenia and delusional thinking though just seemed to come out of nowhere. It was a stress event where I was house sitting for somebody and found a hidden camera, and totally freaked out. From there, I was never the same, began having all kinds of mental problems after that.
Mine had an insidious onset. I started off with a mood disorder (depression) but I started developing psychotic symptoms. Subtle at first but then they really accelerated in the past couple of years. I was frightened that my house and stuff had been bugged, that people could read my mind and that dome people were aliens in disguise. I still think people are out to get my - my co-workers, my treating team and my partner. I have auditory hallucinations mostly - I hear one voice fairly clearly who puts me down, the others just say random things to each other. I’ve also had tactile hallucinations where I could feel something under my skin at my temple and I tried cutting it out with a knife. Some times I have smelt foul odours that aren’t there. So Yeah, mine came on slowly but I think it has reached its peak. Do you take any meds for you issues?
I got bullied as a kid too for being odd… I never made it in society, I simply made my own path away from them… us medics are not part of society… not really… we got our own little society apart from society, we’re the thin white line that separates society from all the things society doesn’t want to see or deal with… people leave us alone for the most part and we stay away from people until they need us …at least in bigger cities… got out own little community… well I used to… isolated myself during the last year…but we have our own places, keep away from people for the most part, don’t really do emotions much among one another, because we deal too much with emotions on the job and at work we just sit around and wait to get a call, which gives us little puzzles to figure out and to fix… in truth we the most careless/coldest people you can find because we all learn really quickly to just depersonalize
I’m a nurse and I know what you mean by desensitization. I work in aged care and I can no longer count how many people I’ve watched die and pronounce dead. Still I’m driven to provide the people I look after with thghe best care I can and to make the end of their lives as good as it can possibly be. Sometimes I think I’m a cold person because I’ve never cried or got upset over any of the deaths. Not even once. And these are sometimes people I’ve looked after for years. Bit hang in there @Phoenix90, things can and will get better for you. You just need a good pdoc and the right medication and it is possible to live a fairly normal life…whatever that might mean for you.
That’s what anti psychotic meds are for. They deal with that (hopefully).
It’s a lot to take in. But as you haven’t been diagnosed yet so stay calm for 2 weeks.
It might be a good idea to write down your symptoms in a short summary to give to your psychiatrist. Because when you’re in the appointment it can be difficult to remember things.
No, they haven’t put me on antipsychotics yet, because we didn’t realize there was a problem in that department to very recently and the one hallucinations that happened before was blamed on the ambien… just these past days that started increasing exponentially… feels like that started now that I realized the possible delusions and been trying to watch my mind to fight the delusions, be aware that it might not be real
How do you do it? Be a nurse? I lost my job, but with this I no longer feel that I should be in healthcare. How can I assume responsibility for somebody’s life and care if my own mind cannot be trusted?
I know how it feels not knowing anymore how many have passed under your care… and mine for the most part have been unexpected, only times I got close to crying after a call were 2 different calls when teenagers died and the parents were yelling/crying over my shoulder… one of those instances was two unrelated teens who overdosed together and got found when all four parents came home from having dinner together… those screams when we started CPR…
It is about to finding the right medication. With the right medication most if not all of the symptoms will be managed and it is still possible to work. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve needed time off because I’ve ended up in hospital but the medication helps just enough to get by. I’ll be starting on Clozapine on Tuesday though as my Ziprasidone isn’t giving me full coverage. For you I think you should take this time to recover first, and then relook at your life and what you can do with it job wise. Baby steps. Get yourself better first.
You’re at a turning point, homie. I’m in a similar spot. I realized over the past few months that something may be seriously wrong, has been for years, slowly gettingworse, and now things are at a breaking point. You might consider the over the counter supplements listed on this site while you wait to get your antipsychotics sorted out. Coming to terms iwth the idea that you might be “psychotic” is a bit of a challenge, or at least it was for me. Haven’t started my course of medication but we’ll get through this buddy. Just a new stage of life. Your paramedic career is still there, it didn’t go away, and who knows wahat the future will bring. I’m not so sure I could perform the work that I used to, and I’m honestly not even sure if I would want to. You’ll be alright.
My sza started as panic attacks and voices when i was 14 then went to mood swings when I was 16 then when I was 18 and just out of high school then I had breakdown and delusions and self harm.