It’s been hard now, my dad’s been deceased for a little over two years now and it is something that I struggle with every day. I struggle with the guilt and shame of having to know that I didn’t have the best relationship with my father and with knowing that I’ll never be able to hug or see him again in the flesh. I remember one of the scariest days of my life was when my father was first diagnosed, he had been committed to the hospital, against his will, and he was so scared at the hospital that he constantly kept trying to run away. He was so scared that he was becoming belligerent with the hospital staff, to the point that the police were called in and he was restrained to his bed and had his clothes cut off of him so that he could properly be put in his night gown. Later, while he was still hospitalized he was still scared and wanted to go home to see his family so badly that he constantly would try to run away from the hospital. His attempts were futile and eventually the hospital staff caught on and the doctors starting putting the ward of the hospital that he was staying in on lockdown. That was one of the only times in my life that I had ever seen a grown man cry, it didn’t help that it was also my father, but it is one of those moments that are engrained in my brain and that I still relive at times and to this day have a fear of hospitals.
Then there are also those times when I miss my dad so much and I wish he were here to see what his daughter has become. To have seen me graduate high school, to see me get accepted into college. To see what a productive, young women that I have turned into. To see the person that I have blossomed into and to see the daughter that he helped raise and make. I just miss my dad and every day it is something that I struggle with.
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