Ill start this off by saying i have a lot of abuse from a narcissistic, alcoholic mother and ive been depressed for months. It ebbs and flows. I guess today has turned downward. As soon as i stopped having energy to distract myself i just fell in a hole.
I cant stop crying. I feel like i deserve to be mistreated because of some past life sin, and maybe im meant to live a life of misery for some greater good. I cant figure it out, im tryint not to even try. It feels out there so maybe its delusional but it feels very true to me. Im guilty of something and i dont know what.
Not true, without getting into religion or the unseen. Life is about what you make of it and the consequences of what has elapsed only in our lifetime ! Believe that and stand up for yourself; you are not deserving of punishment is what I mean
How long has it been since the boundaries were put into practice?
I used to feel hella guilty of random things bc of a controlling parent. But after a few years, maybe even many - it just disappeared. or ended up in my body as a subconscious thing. But point is - the feeling itself managed to subside
Its been an ongoing process for many years. Its been a year now since i stopped reaching out to my mom and it helped me a lot to regain that sense of control
With Crisis lines, it’s a bit forced but i think your will to live needs to come out. Like for example, consciously tell yourself life is worth living - Sorry I can’t be more help; I regularly go through something somehwhat similar but that’s my solution. To try to escape the feeling
It just feels like every one i meet i taint with my…energy or something.
I still blame myself for my ex winding up in jail. He went to prison for trying to seduce a minor, and i was the first minor he was with as far as i know, it makes me feel like i sparked something and caused a lot of harm.
Its like im making all these wrong moves with everyone, i have a lot of negative thoughts and feelings in general and towards other people, it makes me feel guilty like im always doing harm, and i dont want to so i over analyze my behavior and now im hyper vigilent about it to the point of having so little interaction, on top of my social issues from autism
No person deserves the bad things you’ve been through. You wouldn’t put the burden of guilt if someone else were in your situation, would you? Maybe grieving is a step forward. If you’ve been distracting yourself from your problems then you might not have been dealing with those issues that are holding you back. Deciding how to handle your issues is likely the next step. Take care of yourself and don’t forget to forgive your past self and be kind to your future.
We have to freedom to think anything right now.
Being in the moment is the only thing I can think off.
Try to not recollect anything of the past or future.
I got a similar thing. There’s a badness at the core of me that draws punishment. I’m at a deficit of karma from the get go, and I try to make up for it, but the core badness is too strong. It’s sad to think how the bad things that happen to my loved ones are my fault. If I wasn’t what I am, they’d be happy. That’s when the suicidal thoughts come.
Everyone tells me not to slip into that way of thinking, but it doesn’t feel like a choice. When is the last time you spoke with your psychiatrist? Maybe you need an increase or another medication. I recently went up on my AP. It might not get rid of the badness at my core, but it will hopefully make it easier to live with.
I know it probably doesn’t help to hear it, but you did nothing wrong. He took advantage of you as a child. He knew what he was doing and it’s not your fault.
