I’m restless and upset. I’ve studied my butt off for this next chem exam. I made study guides, did over a hundred practice problems…and I still got a 40 on the practice exam. My friends told me the practice exam was way harder than the exams this year, but it’s still depressing.
When I get into funks like this I lose all motivation to do anything. It feels like no matter what I do I’ll fail. Even if the exam is easier, I feel like I’ll fail anyways because of my test anxiety. It’s all deeply unfair.
I’ve been highly agitated all day as well. All my Family is back (my helper voices…to put them simply) and they’ve been talking with me all day, getting me through it but oh man days like this I just get so fed up with the world. I want to go live in my dreams. Screw this immensely frustrating and nonsensical place where I’m handicapped in a million different ways. Screw all of it. It just makes me so angry. I hope all of you are having better days.
I just wish the effort I put into things would pay off for once.
(And no this isn’t me being suicidal or anything, just pissed off at existence and very unmotivated and gloomy.)
Also been dealing with that feeling of being out of place that I’ve always had. Like the world is where I’m supposed to be right now for some reason but it’s not my home, so it feels fundamentally wrong to be here, like I’m a fish flopping around on land.
I don’t know why I’m here. I’m supposed to be here to do something otherwise I wouldn’t be here, I’d be back home, whatever or wherever that is, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing and honestly I’m USELESS here, so I don’t get what is expected of me. Limitations upon limitations. Seriously antsy.
Thanks…honestly I think the reason I’m getting angry again is because I got off my workout routine. Once I get back to the gym hopefully the endorphins will knock that out again. Exam is early tomorrow morning…yikes.
Good luck Anna. Just as reassurance you are exactly where you need to be doing exactly what you need to be doing. Your mind just has the capacity to imagine something else, not necessarily better or worse, but different. A place where you feel more connected.
It’s just a very unsettling feeling. I wish I could express it better. I guess it’s like waking up one day in a strange country where you don’t understand really any of the customs or things the people do and don’t find any of it logical. You have no idea how you got there or why you’re there, you just have this definite knowledge you aren’t from there even if everyone says you are. You learn the rules fairly quick and fit in pretty well, but those feelings never change.
Even if that’s not true, even if it’s a delusion, it’s how I’ve felt my whole life.
Well it can be fun, I mean I like it here, I like people and animals and everything but it’s just…there are ups and downs that are difficult to explain.
When I say I hate it I don’t really hate it I’m being dramatic. I sometimes just get very frustrated is all.
That can throw you. Back a long time ago when I was running a lot it would hurt me if I missed a day. I needed those endorphins. I think you might be “awfulizing” a little. I’m sure you’ll do much better on the real exam than on the practice one.