Are we lost in our own minds?
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I think i have no ego because of schizophrenia and loss of ego boundaries. All space feels like my body
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I haven’t been diagnosed with schizophrenia, but ever since my psychotic break I’ve become extremely self-absorbed. It’s like I’m trapped in my head, and I can’t stop thinking about myself, my thoughts, my mental illness, my past… It’s near constant rumination. I didn’t have this problem before my psychosis.
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I used to be very selfish. But schizophrenia humbled me.
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That’s how I feel. Like if I can only think my way out of this I could get better. I’m wondering if I’m only making it worse. Maybe you can’t think your way out of insanity.
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For me it’s almost like the self-centeredness and overthinking is a hypervigilence, like I’m constantly in fear and trying to make sense of things and protect myself. I think it just makes things worse, but it’s hard to control.
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How can you fix madness if your mad to begin with. If the brain is broken, it’s going to be very difficult or impossible. Medication is supposed to help restore sanity. I’m reminded of the conversation in the movie beautiful mind between John Nash and his psychiatrist:
" Dr. Rosen: You can’t reason your way out of this!
Nash: Why not? Why can’t I?
Dr. Rosen: Because your mind is where the problem is in the first place!
"
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Were you arrogant?
That’s brilliant. You spoke exactly how I feel. I’ve been squirming around trying to feel like i’m in control of this thing, but I’m not. I think it’s time I realize I’m ill. Really realize it. That sounds dumb but I mean we are powerless over psychosis. All we can do is take our meds and hope they work. And be hypervigilent to any symptoms that could indicate any movement towards another episode. But really I know it could happen with no warning right out of the blue. So all my watching and worrying and planning and and and is for nothing. It shouldn’t make me feel better it’s most likely the luck of the draw anyway.
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I guess. Mainly I cared about accumulating large amounts of money for my own selfish desires through hard work and determination. I felt intellectually superior to some but not all. I guess I just wanted to retire early and live a solitary life on an Island or something haha, away from most people. I did want to help my family, especially my mother. I felt she was brainwashed from religion and marriage. She didn’t have a chance for upward mobility or self-reliance. I mainly blame my step-father. He wouldn’t let or pay for her to go back to school, for example. Keeps her on a tight leash. It still really bothers me. But I’ve stopped caring.
I guess I wanted to be like Gordon Gekko from the movie Wal Street. It inspired me to try to go into finance. You know the whole Greed is Good thing. I guess I was a bit of a narcissist.
But I realize now how evil he was. I sometimes wonder if I was given schizophrenia by certain groups of people. I don’t know. It’s a conspiracy theory. I know I would have been successful.
Anways, I still want money, but I’m more into learning things, acquiring knowledge, etc.
I’m more of a loner now. Not interested in others.
I care more about others now I guess.
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Please explain this sentence to me. My English is poor. Any body!!!
John Nash was a first-rate mathematician. Extremely logical and a great problem solver. He used and relied on his brain to solve really difficult problems. But somehow, he descended into madness and became very illogical. He talked about strange things like communicating with aliens. In the movie, he thought he could solve his illness like any other problem. Sort of like a math problem. But he lacked insight. His doctor, an expert on mental illness, tried explaining to him that he can’t solve it because his mind is the problem. Full of delusions and illogicalness. Schizophrenia is a progressive disease, if left untreated gets worse. I hope that helps.
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Thanks, I understand it. I was confused about the word “first place”.
I still feel like I can solve the riddle. But in terms of selfishness. Yeah. I’m surprised my name isn’t Saul Goodman.
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Anyone can be selfish. I think dealing with psychosis has made me a more compassionate person.
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