Lately, my anxiety has become unbearable.
I was doing good for so long, then it started slowly creeping back in.
I had a recent relapse with my eating problems, over the past few months. I was in the hospital twice during that time.
First time was after purging, and I got really bad heart “flutters”, couldn’t breathe, and would pass out if I stopped pacing. They gave me IV and Ativan (the 1mg ativans they give out in the ER have little effect on me), lectured me about the harmful effects of purging, then sent me home.
The second time, was because I thought I was having a heart attack and it came out of nowhere.
The nurses were rude, gave me Ativan again, lectured me about not being actively in therapy and sent me home.
Since that time, I’ve be doing quite well, with my eating. Despite being broke, I’ve been managing to consume at least 1300 calories a day, and not purging.
My anxiety has gotten so much worse, though. I can barely get out of bed and I’ve been neglecting things like showering, changing my rabbits litter box, or cleaning up. I have trouble breathing, thinking, or really doing anything. I can’t even do projects like embroidering or art, while lying in bed. Focusing enough to read, or listen to a conversation is getting harder. I am so dysfunctional and panicked all the time, it’s unbearable. I finally caved and asked my mom to bring me some Ativan, last night (I gave all my old meds to her for safe keeping, because I don’t want them). I took two, even though it says take one. It didn’t do anything for me. So I ended up smoking some weed. Weed doesn’t always help me, but it seems the weed/ativan combo works well. I was a little over-sedated after that, but at least I finally slept, after 3 days of not.
Every day I struggle to breathe, I am shaking, can’t think, I always break down and cry for the smallest reasons, by body feels numb, my heart feels like it will jump out of my chest, I can’t even speak properly or type this post well.
I finally called the mental health center in my town to book with a therapist, and now I have to wait to hear back. I don’t know what to do, now. I’m just sitting here panicking, trying to breathe and not to cry and wondering if I should try to take more ativan. I’ve been over all the old stuff from when I was taking therapy, before and it doesn’t seem to help. My eyes keep losing focus, and it’s hard to see.
If anyone has any advice for me, that would be greatly appreciated. This is really difficult between this anxiety, constant panic attacks and also pains, nausea and sickness from forcing myself to eat so much.
I feel like death.