Yeah I’ve been feeling it lately. I made the post the other day about me and my brothers being alone with our dad. So far, things have been fairly uneventful. But I still can’t shake the tension I have about the whole situation. (It also comes from past issues too…things were a lot worse with him when I was younger so I can just never feel fully relaxed with him if my mom isn’t around) I’ve been getting stress nightmares, almost every night this week that are highly unpleasant. In one, spiders fell from the ceiling and onto my hands until they were covered in painful spider bites that still hurt for a bit even after I woke up. In another I had to endlessly kill and hunt monsters and then had to kill a kitten and yorkie dog that were apparently disguised monster young, but it was still awful because I had to snap their necks. Then last night in my dream I went on a trip with a friend and our families, forgot to pack anything, then accidentally opened a portal to Hell and was stuck endlessly being tormented, chased, etc through different realms of hell until I became lucid and took control of things. I’ve just had so many nightmares since coming back.
And another weird stressor that I wasn’t expecting? My cat volunteering gig. I started doing volunteer work at Petsmart with the cats who need a home. I love the cats, but for some reason the thought of working with another person is giving me a lot of anxiety. I was really stressed after that first day because I felt like I embarassed myself a lot, I’m just so much more clumsy and tense when I’m around strangers that I act like a total idiot more than normal.
This is weird because I have NEVER had social anxiety like this before. It’s a new thing that’s started like this year. And I don’t get it. The last time I volunteered with the cats I was around 15 I think, and living in a different state. I had no fear of working with the other volunteers and actually looked forward to talking with them. I’ve always been fairly comfortable with people and that’s changing and I don’t understand why. It’s not that the new people I work with are mean or scary, no they are so sweet. It’s me that’s changed. Why??
Also been thinking about stuff from the past again, so that’s thrown me off today. I kind of just want to retreat into a little hole and not be bothered for the rest of the day.
yes anna i know how you feel its the negative symtoms kicking your ass. i used to want to ingeract too but now i am happy in my cacoon well not always but mostly.
in a social interaction its positive self talk you need in your head. im guilty of beating myself up too. just develop a little voice thatsays POSITIVE things not negatives. the reason i could never work is because i have performance anxiety so when im doing ANYTHING in front of a group of people my brain goes somewhere else i panic and want to flee even if it was just a boss watching me do something and i spent the hole time at work thinking i was going to be sacked at any minute. this is anxiety i have it too my mum says anxiety gets worse as you get older and shes right. maybe you could find don’t give up try going again to the cat place but don’t be hard on youself if you cant manage it your battling a servere mental illness and your doing your best.