I woke up and had a small revelation. I realized that my entire approach to socializing revolves around impressing people.
I can kind of see where it comes from, but before I get into that I’d like to show what the birds of paradise are.
Seriously… I’m just like these stupid birds…
It’s like a secondary form of class-clowning… with a lot of clowning involved still. More by metaphor than literally it’s much like these birds.
Idk if that’s bad. Lately it seems like I have no filter and that’s worse believe me. More embarrassment to say the least.
At least with pleasing everyone you’re nice and thoughtful.
Had to get a coffee brewed before I got into the grit of this.
yes @minnii it’s not all bad… and I do prefer mutually complimentary relations.
The truth though is that not everyone feels impressive inside. Some folk want to be other folk are wise enough to not strive to impress.
I will say that it has filled my conversations with pleasant words all around… BUT it has not effected the actual strength of my friendships. In fact there is an undertone to it that varies from person to person. There is a hint of disdain in others at times.
I’m going to disregard the folk on the forum when discussing this because there are too many of you to count and having SZ is a special bond on its own.
In real life… the people who are totally supportive of me is a short list. My siblings, My mother and Father, Grandma and grandpa… they’ll shell compliments out to no end. Almost to the point it hurts me in the long run as it skews my inner self-view.
Regarding friends though. I’ve only really had two or three… who don’t mind being impressed and things don’t get competitive and I don’t wind up disregarded. However these are mutually impressive people and they’re modest. They aren’t dumb… but they let me be the smart one or are as smart as I am. Which is really crappy way to sum it up to me.
Intellectual folk can be highly and contradictory by being competitive… arguments get started literally just to shut people up. There is no straight forward. “I don’t want to talk about this.” “Or your wrong for reason x and y… here is what I think is right.” It’s more like a stupid fucken debate room discussion that goes nowhere… They will exhaust my ability to defend myself while disregarding the meaning behind all my words just so I shut up. I am displeased with people who do this…
At the same time I want to change my behavior as to not trigger those kind of responses in them. Which requires me to with-hold a lot of what I might find interesting to talk about. Those folk are interesting enough to themselves that they would rather go without my influence.
I hate to say it this way… but the normie crowd… they’re the ones I need to make peace with most because my illness still considers them so quaint and collectively similar. It was key for me to realize that many people out there don’t feel impressive at all. I need to wrap my mind around that and somehow see what that perspective is like so I might feel more similar to them inside and not need to validate my presence by impressing people… because it’s a double-edged sword.
I adore those birds! If you’re doing or being any way that you don’t want to be, then that’s something to change. But I agree with Minni that it’s not necessarily bad. As long as no one is taking advantage of you and you’re not saying or doing things that actually go against who you really are. “My name is for my friends” is a line from my favorite movie. Most people only show their true selves to those closest to them. 
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Most people don’t want to see each other’s true selves… that is another perspective I could learn from. I need to define a private space for myself and get used to not sharing everything… with this illness it’s crucial. I always plan too and then I wind up in a convo where it all just pours out… I have a good friend for that though. He basically does the same.
I can relate …
Someone, a writter I think don’t remember who, said that people are only as intelligent as their power to use that intelligence. So less educated people can seem intelligent because they can use the wits they possess, while educated people can seem dumb because they can’t use that intelligence.
In relationships I found it better to remain silent and live by the golden rule otherwise I end up saying mean things just to prove a point. And that’s not a good use of my intelligence 
I don’t mind a little abrasion in conversation… but it depends on what happens outside those conversations as to whether it is worth putting up with.
You’re paying attention and that’s wonderful! I used to be more of an outward people-pleaser. Maybe because I was such a mess inside. But my problem was that I got used and stepped on. I’m pretty sure it’s a life-long process: getting to know ourselves, what works for us, and how to relate to others. As long as you’re paying attention and learning, you’re doing well. Most people don’t think about it…
You’re right just that. It matters more how the relationship is built than what it is said in heated moments.
@hedgehog thanks for the encouragement… you are wonderful as well
@minnii you are the bubbled POWER mouse… let no one be decieved 
well I’m feeling better of all this… but it’s something that has to be practiced out there in real-time while in the field of life in society.
Ah well… with great power comes great responsibility I prefer the bubbled part