Hey guys. I really try to be a positive member of the forum, but I know that my behavior has become rather toxic as of late. I feel like it’s not fair that I got better rather quickly while others have been struggling for years, and that weighs very heavily on me. I try to help, I really do, to make sure that everyone here feels safe, supported, and loved, but I also like to have serious discussions and mess with people.
Yes, there are peope that I don’t like here (like, at all), and though I try to make sure that no one knows who they are, I’ve been fu cking it up as of late. I feel like I’m in the f’ing Titanic, trying to save as many people as I can, but sometimes at the expense of others. Defending people, but also reprimanding people, feeling like, if I don’t say anything about a person’s behavior and then said person ends up in trouble because of such behavior, it’s my fault, a feeling that’s nearly as selfless as it is arrogant; narcissistic, even.
So, with all of that said, I deeply apologize to those who got the short end of my arrogant martyr stick. @John_Raven@Lifer, @anon35453467, @firemonkey, to name a recent few. As I’ve said before, I’m no saint and I don’t pretend to be… Or at least, I try not to pretend to be. I know that I’m no one’s boss, but my conscience doesn’t see it that way. I will try to be better. I always try to be better.
Yeah I’ve noticed you’ve been more outspoken lately. It’s good though. Your contributing more. And most of your posts are on point. Sometimes I’ll have a meanstreak but it’s mostly developed out of lack of compassion. Basically meaning I am hard on myself so I am hard on others. Which I’m working on. In my spiritual practices I’ve learned that I am not supposed to have compassion because it’s useless and make ones integrity weak. But I am learning new things that it might be useful. Also I agreed with myself to never try and hit below the belt. Always keep it per situation at hand. Sorry maybe I am over sharing.
Hey, yeah that outspoken thing makes sense. When I’m not sick, I am an extravert. Hell, when I am sick, I’m an extravert, but it sucks because I don’t know who to trust.
Eh, I’m beginning to realize that that doesn’t matter. That it’s not about being right, it’s about being helpful and encouraging. I get so caught up in proving that I’m not an idiot or a bad person that I forget it’s about the person needing the help, not my conscience. Guilt is everywhere, it seems, and boy am swimming in it. There’s just this spiral, and… just ugh.
I’ve been there before and it’s big of you to admit it. Get your head right and move forward.
I secretly don’t mind a bit of conflict sometimes. I know that is shitty but it breaks up the board a bit and reminds me of the old days. Pretty dumb but I do find your work to be constructive sometimes. In a supportive environment probably not the best but I do admire you for your courage!
Nobody’s perfect. We all have our moments when we could handle things better. You are a very helpful and supportive member here. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
I think you are amazing just the way you are. Sometimes we make mistakes and don’t say the words we mean, but that’s okay because we have a chance to change ourselves and be a better person the next day. Your contribution is very valued on this site. Please keep posting, friend.
