I am in my late 30s, been living with negative symptoms since early childhood and accepted them as just part of being who I am - loner, quiet, depressive, thoughtful, intelligent, private/keep to myself. I always felt different and took pride in it that I’m not like the majority, definitely felt superior to the majority of people, also because of my looks. I feel like I have nothing in common with the masses, was into black/death metal. my thoughts were never bizarre, but i often think and perceive things differently, and also very sensitive. I felt disdain for most people most of my life so I always considered myself just having some type of antisocial personality disorder but never considered schizophrenia.
Fast forward to today’s days and I am now somewhat concerned something is going on. I have experienced a stressful event few years ago (I fell in love but it didn’t work out) which triggered semi-psychotic episodes of me hearing voices but it only happened sporadically 4 times over the course of years and always during semi-awake states never when fully awake. I have experienced sleep paralysis and having sex with an entity who’s been my secret lover for the past 4-5 years, however it diminished in frequency and I no longer experience it at all now but the fact that it did happen is a concern. I also had episodes of sever paranoia where I was afraid of getting murdered by someone I knew. Also had lighter versions of paranoia getting anxiety over getting hacked or having my personal information stolen. I had a period in my life also around that same time 4-5 years ago when I got deeply interested in the occult but it lost its appeal to me now and I no longer care. Which brings me to the main issue - I lost interest in pretty much everything that people might have interest in. My life is meaningless and empty but it only bothers me sometimes, most of the time I’m just busy and fine with not having any interests, I have everything under control though and am quite successful in life. I don’t date, I don’t want to be friends with anybody and I keep everyone at an arm’s length. I have noticed that I am no longer willing or even able to connect with people in any meaningful way. Anything that has to do with feelings of emotions I’m not interested - I don’t listen to music, I don’t watch movies, never watched TV, not on social media. I kinda live in my own world so my question is do any of you who have been diagnosed find that this is how you were before the illness kicked in? I am trying to be proactive and see maybe it’s time to get an evaluation I haven’t been to any mental health dr or therapist once in my life I perceive it as “below me” and a sign of weakness so I would only go if I thought that there was something very wrong.
if you were semi conscious when you heard the voices they probably werent’ voices…you sound very intelligent and stable to me. but if you want a diagnosis you are going to have to seek out a psychiatrist or doctor.
Very, very unlikely. You could land somewhere in the spectrum of Schizophrenia, albeit on the milder side and probably short of a diagnosis as such with what you’ve described above but if that is the case it’s more likely that you are already on the other side of the onset, which could have gone unnoticed, rather than in a prodromal phase, as would be reasonable for someone in their late 30s considering only around 1 in 5 develop Schizophrenia past their thirties.
People who develop Schizophrenia later on in life also tend to have milder negatives and stronger positives and you are coming to us with the opposite and no mention of cognitive symptoms. I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is no reason to think you are going to be in for any particular downturn, save for the usual risks.
Regardless of our musings you are better served talking with a psychiatrist about your mental health and this section isn’t the correct one for your question as you don’t hold a diagnosis for Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective disorder. The proper one would have been Dx’d - Other.
Looking back when I was growing up, before I got diagnosed, I had some of your traits. I was extremely quiet, a loner, depressive, intelligent, private/kept to myself. The thing is I had a couple close friends but I didn’t talk to anybody else but them.
Another thing I have in common with you is that while I may not enjoy life like everybody else it rarely bothers me. Even with my disease I lived my life and experienced things and kept busy and did all kinds of things (movies, comedy clubs, parties, traveling etc) while not really feeling alive.
I tend to keep people at arms length too. One thing I would advise is for you to get over the mistaken belief that seeing a therapist or psychiatrist is somehow weak. Everybody needs help at some point in their life and some of the strongest, most confident, successful people in life see therapists and ask for help from them.
I don’t know if you have schizophrenia, we can’t diagnosis you on here but I can say that it is common for someone with schizophrenia to withdraw from people and life and the name for not enjoying life is anhedonia. I would like to tell you to get out there and make friends and socialize but maybe it’s just not in your nature. I could tell you that having one or two friends could really benefit you though.
Yeah, in my prodromal stage I withdrew and isolated and lost interest in activities I previously enjoyed. But even with my shyness I later made friends and did a lot of fun things, even with this disease. Do you work or go to school? Maybe just being around people without making close friends is good enough for you. A psychiatrist is the only person who can diagnose you. I wish you luck.
In my case, the onset was brutal. I had a job, friends, was active on social media, big on food and music and physical exercise.
Then all of a sudden I found myself trapped in a growing cobweb of delusions (erotomania), then declining focus over the course of a year - a year and a half. Then full-blown psychosis with voices, intense paranoia, even visual hallucinations.
What you say reminds me of avoidant personality disorder and profound introversion. But I’m not a mental health professional.
@77nick77 hi. Thanks for your reply. I wholeheartedly agree that I should not be viewing seeking psychiatric help as a sign of weakness, maybe I will be able to snap out of it one day. I did have an experience with a psychiatrist once. I didn’t see a psychiatrist but a psychiatrist saw me. I was getting help at some facility for domestic violence issue that I was having at the time. I was in my twenties. as part of the process they had me talk to a psychiatrist, it was standard protocol. We had a brief conversation I didn’t really open up to her about anything she just asked a few questions, and later I find out that she told the case worker that was helping me that I had bipolar. I disagreed and told the case worker I did not have any bipolar and they should not be letting some weird psychiatrists loose like that running around misdiagnosing people they barely even spoke with. Who knows, maybe that psychiatrist was not too far off.
Hi @anon79934173, you shouldn’t let one bad experience with a psychiatrist stand in the way of getting help from another. As you said, that psychiatrist may have been right. Even if she was wrong there are still other good psychiatrists and therapists out there.
@77nick77 True. Also thank you for suggesting to maybe get out there and socialize and have fun - I try and do that sometimes, I think feeling connected is a fundamental human need that’s causing the feeling of emptiness if it’s not being met. Too bad that activities most people engage in - like having family and raising children, having pets, going to the movies, traveling, eating out, concerts, museums, events, shows, games - don’t entertain me they just bore me to death