Am I A Disgusting Person?

It’s as though my body does whatever the hell it wants to do. I pee and poo in my pants regularly which makes me worry about having accidents everywhere. So I wear diapers and that way I don’t ruin the furniture. But then I feel like this disgusting person because I’m a grown man who needs diapers and messes himself. I know it’s not a normal symptom of sza but me and my uncle have the same thing. People always tell me that a lot of folks are incontinent. But I feel like a disgusting person. I don’t think anyone could love me really.

You arent disgusting and I’m sure someone will love you if someone doesn’t already. What are your interests? Music? Art? Puzzles? I’m sure someone has at least one thing about you that they have in common with you or love about you and that’s one step closer to loving you in a whole.

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Wow, thanks for saying that. And there are people in my life who care - but they never see the bad stuff because I hide the evidence really well. My two great friends Josh and Todd both know about my incontinence. I’m forgetting Ken the drummer. And you’re right, I do have interests - I’m a musician. See my posts of Music I Made - Item(s) 1 and 2, with more to come.

Soon I won’t be able to hide the problem anymore as I’m going back into a nursing home to get the help I need. It’s a really nice place - I mean it’s not the best and not the worst either. But it’s really clean, and I know from two people who were or are living there that they really do take good physical care of the residents, and I definitely need that kind of help. I’m so tired of changing my diapers that I end up sitting in them way too long, and it’s not a good thing. I guess I get really depressed about it.

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No one ever sees me use the bathroom either. Most people hide that part of our physicality. Wearing adult diapers is more common than maybe you think, and if you’re keeping yourself clean then no worries! I wish people didn’t feel ashamed of all the things so many people experience and never talk about.
You sound like a nice person, and there is so much more to you than…that. :grin::heart:

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I love you, honey.

I’m a mom, and a caregiver of others too.

Thanks for the music tonight.

Thanks so much for the kind words. Sometimes I just feel bad because I want help from someone - you know, changing myself and all - it gets really hard and monotonous after a long time, and it’s lonely having this to do all the time … and it’s a terrible burden to have to carry all by myself. I don’t do a good enough job. When I’m around others I stay clean enough. But when I’m alone I get really lazy about it. And I feel guilty about wanting help with it.

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but its OK …

Oh - you made my day sweetheart. Thank you so much.

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Yea, I think I’m kinda funny too! I have to laugh at myself - I’m like a silly toddler at 51. It’s so ridiculous that I have to expect people to make fun of me. It’s fine.

Most humans are gross…at least what’s going on with you is unavoidable… I would not concern yourself with it…you can’t help it…

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I remember that I had problems keeping it in after my psychosis. I always thought that it was the draino that messed me up. So I ■■■■ my pants a couple of times. Doesn’t happen anymore though and I seemed to have gotten control back.

I can’t find much information on schizophrenia and incontinence, but from what I have found there seems to be some relationship at times, but not a terribly high incidence. Me and my uncle are more rare instances of incontinence, and it probably has a lot to do with trauma in early life.

Could it be a side effect of a med or combo of meds?

That’s a good thought. But the problem pre-existed the time I ever took any meds. It was happening to me as early as age four, and really got bad at age ten. I missed so much school because of it, skipping school because I had wet or messy pants - hiding in old abandoned warehouses or under bridges or whatever, that I ended up in truancy court by age 15. Still no meds. I didn’t take any meds until I was 16. Meds don’t seem to affect the problem - not even drugs that are supposed to help with incontinence. The problem is intransigent.