My husband and I had some friends over the other night and we decided to have a couple drinks and play some videogames. I’ve drank a few times before and been fine. This time was a little different. I told myself I was drinking to have fun with friends and that’s what I convinced myself. Deep down I wanted to drink because I knew I would feel better. (I had a stressful event happen earlier that day that brought about a whole slew of bad memories and feelings.) Anyways I started out fine but later I did start drinking for the purpose of feeling numb. I liked that feeling, both mentally and physically. Even at 3 am I was still drinking even though nobody else was.
Honestly I realized what I was doing and it scared me, it scared me that I didn’t want to stop drinking. I talked to my husband and he made me promise not to drink for the rest of the night. It’s nearly impossible for me to break promises to him but this time I almost did. There was a couple times where I was laying in bed and I almost got up because I wanted another drink. It scares me that even now I want a drink. I haven’t had this until now.
I haven’t drank since that night and I talked to my friends and asked that they don’t try to get me to drink for a while and if I ask if they want to drink with me that they say no and tell me not to drink.
I have alcoholics on both sides of my family plus I have a lot of Finnish blood in me. I told myself I’d never drink upset but that didn’t go well.
I’m pretty much 99% sure I’m in danger of it. Based on the way I felt the other night. It was something very similar to self-harm and that took me years to quit. Based on how I felt I know that I can very easily fall down the slope of alcoholism. It was already a few nights ago and my mood has stabilized significantly and yet I still want to drink. Whether it’s with people or not. For now I’m not going to drink a drop. Maybe I will again at some point but definitely not right now.
I forget who all in my families ended up with it but a lot of aunts and uncles. From my understanding Fins have a greater chance of being genetically predisposed to alcoholism. I’m going to try not to drink for a while. It’s just scary because I say that and I don’t want to drink but there is a loud part of me that’s telling me to.
When I went to AA I could relate to people saying “alcohol was love at first sip”. “It became the magical elixir right away, the cure for all my problems”
A little bit but in the long term it always made me crazier. I can go for 90 days in a row. A couple times I have. Then I fell off the bandwagon and began drinking again. But now on naltrexone it’s much easier to not drink. Aa is a good program just not for me long term. However I see men and women with 30+ years of sobriety in there.
I don’t want to have to try to go to AA. I’m gonna be honest I’m still really freaked out. I’m freaked out that I want to get alcohol right now. I know that it would shut up all the noise and thoughts in my head. For now I can hold on and not drink but I’m also scared that my resolve isn’t going to be strong enough in the future.
I’m sorry this probably all sounds stupid because I had one bad drinking night and I’m over reacting like this. But I know the way I felt that night. I know how bad I craved more and I know how much I crave now.
I wouldn’t say I’m an alcoholic right now as at the moment I still have control but I could definitely see myself becoming a problem drinker if I start losing control.
A part of me wants to say that I am over reacting but like I said it feels akin to self harm. Which I was awful with. Plus I’ve trained myself for years to be able to notice these things so I know when something is off. This is definitely off, this is not right.
If alcoholism runs in your family then it’s especially wise to be careful with alcohol. I’ve heard stories of people who start drinking like an alcoholic right from when they first start drinking. So no one is really safe from becoming an alcoholic.
As @everhopeful said, alcoholism runs in families. If that’s the way you’re going to drink I would really watch myself if I was you. Once you cross that line into alcoholism there’s no turning back, you’'ll always be an alcoholic even when you’re in recovery. Your method of drinking is a huge red flag.
That’s why at least for a while I’m just choosing not to drink. If I don’t drink then I don’t have to worry about drinking getting out of control.
Honestly I don’t want to just completely give it up, because I have had fun with friends when we just drink a little together and have a fun time. But I can’t do that right now. I have a hunch that if I said I was going to have a little drink right at this moment that I’d go back for more. So right now I won’t drink at all. I will reassess myself in a month or two. If I’m still feeling like I do now then I’ll wait a couple more months.
