Advice about ongoing Elder Abuse

HI

my sister is chronic alcoholic. she lives with my mum and has been very much having a breakdown for the past 4 years
she seems to be deteriorating appears to confabulate and has opinions that let her continue abuse of my mum
my sister has been shouting at length at my mum for years
subject is usually something to do with my mother not protecting her from abuse from my father
my sister witnessed my mums rape by a stranger in her own home age 3 and has severe ptsd
she has been in many violent relationships - my sister - as well as being raped by my father’s friend and others and 2 guys in a hotel and etc
there are things that get revisited every time she shouts like telling my father by email that she is unhappy about not being able to fit into her jeans - my mother thinking she was just expressing how sad Clare currently was
my mum has this shouting going on every few days.

they live in a 2 bed flat (until recently shared a 1 bed flat)

my mum chooses to live with it as a way of protecting my sister from jail (she has been in trouble with the police for on line harassment over someone she believed was abusing her) through weird associations on Facebook
she went with the harassment case rather than fighting back for a quiet life
i believe that he did harass her and maybe rape her but the issues my sister raised about his hate campaign on Facebook don’t all hold
things like - he put something up about a certain date - and he has taken it down within hours.
she has a restraining order
although her and I have only fought physically once, she has only one step further to go which is physical violence to my mum
if she pushes her over it could be very serious because my mum has advanced osteoporosis and she could break bones at the very least.

our middle sibling was violent towards my mum pushing her off a chair and stabbing her. (on separate occasions to mention 2) this was through having had unremitting schizophrenia
i have schizophrenia… and i have been to AA it is how I get help not for her.

my sister (the abusive one) will not go to the mental health services or her gp at any cost or for any reason
she feels the same about AA - that they are a bunch of useless losers etc and is totally agains the idea of getting help - that it is not for her EVER and means it
she will not talk to a counsellor because of past experience.
she spends a lot of time drinking in bed and has severe depression which she refuses to treat.

I just phoned Age UK
they gave me numbers to ring for elder abuse
my mum is taking it all out of hopeless love
she does’nt think my sister has any chance of recovery - is giving her Thiamin against any progression to wet brain - and has a total lack of concern for herself other than how to support my sister.
she will never give up even though she has no hope left

i have to decide if i want to wreck a very ropey relationship with my sister - for the past 2 years she has been promising to go to the gym with me or cycle sometimes where she goes for me drinking with her because otherwise i would be judgemental of her
she can hardly get out of bed at least 2 to 4 days a week

I have not a hell of a lot to lose here
my mum is 75 next month

anyone advice please

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jeeze I have no advice but I have a helluva a lot of sympathy.

arguments with my parents are a recurring thing this year… but they’re divorced and they got a lot of stuff that they are doing to still try and compensate… and perspectives that are pretty distorted over their kids…

I’d tell your sisters “I consider what you are doing to our mother is abusive and if you don’t start showing signs of learning to show her respect then I have no choice but to do all I can to try and get her in a safer place.”

Or something…

I’m sorry it sounds like a very sensitive issue… people are the toughest thing to work with in life… especially when it’s family.

At least know it’s right for you to do all that you can to protect your mother! Tried to avoid getting permanently locked into the line of your sisters fire.

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Can you introduce her to this forum, I’m worry about her, she’s under unbearable pressure, there’s no way to rescue your family except saving her, she’s a passionate and strong girl who does not know how to solve the problem, she uses old tricks but they are not enough,
Tell her there are people here with same problem that are not losers but seek for solving the problem instead of just reminding and seeing problems,
At least introduce here to her,
If you can show my message to her,

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Thanks Azley

the sister with unremitting schizophrenia was killed in an accident in 2001

but thank you for the advice - and good advice.

I will try to get myself into a situation where I can sit with them both.
my mum is very sensitive to any upset so i might have to do this in the moment

HI ali

sorry i have not made it clear

our middle sibling had schizophrenia unremitting type and was killed in an accident in 2001

lol so is mine… she’ll get triggered and then boom an argument for an hour is born… I can never tell if it’s my fault or hers but I don’t get into a lot of arguments in my life, so I think we’re just sort of incompatible…

She has been very mean to me I’ll tell you that much

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it is a sister who has been having self harm and depression and suicidal thoughts

this is similar disruption to family life as I or our middle sibling caused in my family

I mean sensitive like scared to cause any fuss or harm to my sister

x

then not like my mother lol…

Sorry I can’t really help with the situation so I’m just trying to extend the scope… might have helped breed some synergistic perspective.

If your mother is totally passive than that is definitely abuse.

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it’s okay thanks i get that
I’m a bit wrecked by this today
it comes not out of the blue but a bit like i have been floored by my mum’s protective towards her attitude this morning

i do think that arguments both ways can still be one sided cause

Sorry for her, may she rest in peace, but I was talking about the sister you call “abusive”, I don’t think she’s abusive, I think she’s extremely concerned about her family and tries to awaken them and save them but does not know how so she becomes mad and tries to soothe her unbearable pain by alcohol,
No one understands her and her good deed so she get mad, she sees some danger overarching her family that no one understands,
She’s a protective and nice girl,
Tell her at least read this forum,

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i agree…

but people who aren’t abusive normally start toning themselves down when people are passive… because they aren’t actually motivated to hurt the other.

I get confused about myself sometimes, especially mid argument… but my mom has demonstrated more abusive tendencies.

it is based on a self-defensive thing that she then brutishly takes to far and is very very easily triggered into speaking from.

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She won’t engage with text messages because she is worried about her dyslexia
She is completely alone and suicidal and frankly causing a lot of harm around her
My father is not around any more he’s living in Malaysia

I’m sorry that sounds like a bad situation
Sounds Like you are more on the defensive

I do kind of trigger the arguments but I’m really not looking to fight with her… she just has a lot of private concerns that she’ll never open up and share so I have no idea how to respect my mom’s sensitivities because she keeps them all in the dark.

It’s frustrating as hell… but beyond that she had no interest in my illness… to her (like with most care givers) it was just that I needed pills and the rest was still my fault.

Part of the reason it got as bad as it did before it was caught is that she is incapable of having certain conversations… and my illness was more difficult to struggle with because I couldn’t connect with my support structure regardless of the efforts I made…

Not uncommon stuff for schizophrenics at all… I’m getting over blaming her for it… but sometimes I get triggered to and it really isn’t cool to have a mom who so straight and narrow simple… it’s like being shortchanged… and she knows it’s been an issue for me, but won’t acknowledge the importance.

At least tell her someone thought about you like:
" what I said about her"
Let her know at least one human thinks about her like this, she may say he’s an ass.hole like others but no matter, let her do this,

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It sounds like your sister has some issues of her own.
This might sound tough, but I think you should give your sister an ultimatum. Either she seeks help for one or more of her problems (drinking, mental issues, etc), or you stop seeing her.

She’s going to get mad at you for it, and she’s going to question your motives an your love for her. Make sure she knows you do love her, but that you can’t stand to see her destroy herself and those around her like that anymore.
She needs to understand what she’s doing to her family, and to herself. She can’t make any progress if those around her continue to let her act however she wants.

If she keeps abusing your mother, you should definitely report her.
Sometimes people need a strong slap in the face in order to wake up and understand.

Good luck.

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