Abuse and Your Illness

DX'd - Sz/SzA
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Childhood Abuse really brought on allot of anxiety and heavy paranoia. Paranoia to the point I thought my family put up cameras in the house to monitor me. And at one point going in the bathroom standing on the sink feeling into the walls to see if there were cameras there or in the ceiling.

It triggered my Mental Illness even more where I would get really bi-polar and rearrange my room in one night while I stayed up all night and slept all day. Part of the cameras had to do with I thought they were there to catch me doing something.

The abuse really triggered my addictive personality, and I got on drugs real bad when I was younger. Opiates, benzos, pills, herion. Anything to numb the sexual abuse really. But I did get off them with the help of suboxone and turned my life around.

Although this Mental Illness and what I’ve been through made me the person I am today so I wouldn’t change a thing besides the abuse. I am told by my mom and family I am very strong for what I go through to this day and how I carry myself and how I just get along with each day being Happy Again.

I am Married and have been for 6 years, Known her for 8 1/2 years and the Mental Illness didn’t show till about 3/4 years into the Relationship, Actually right after we got Married. Although I knew I had the Illness before this since I’ve been 13 or so, but I had a really bad breakdown at 27 years old and thank god my wife hospitalized me and got me on meds or I probably wouldn’t of slept for awhole nother week after that.

I"m a very Happy person though now, Married with a step-kid (pretty much my kid now) with a family. We have our own Home and I truly believe I am blessed by god for him giving me the wife I have today. That cares about mme so much no matter what. And actually stood by me the whole time I was hospitalized. Every time I was hospitalized too, and for 3-4 Months on end sometimes in there too.

Just wondering how abuse and Your Mental Illness had an effect on your life and the person that it has made you today

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Man, I’m not sure if the abuse was the direct cause of my mental illness, but it certainly was the direct cause of my addictions. I see a PTSD therapist and she says substance abuse and PTSD/Trauma are very connected. I had tons of abuse and trauma from 11-14. And I started using drugs and alcohol when I was 18. I had more abuse from 19-23. And my addiction only got worse with more and more abuse.

I take naltrexone and zoloft and the COMBO (not just the naltrexone ;), both combined) really really helps me stay away from alcohol at least. I was never an opiate user but i was big into psychedelics and i actually haven’t done psychedelics in quite a bit now. I used to buy 20 tabs of LSD and just eat it till it was gone or something like that i was crazy. I miss the beginning days of using LSD but i don’t miss the days mixing it with meds/coming off my meds to take it/further worsening my mental illness.

I think now that i think of it, the trauma, the mental illness, and the substance abuse…all direct connection to another. Can’t treat 1 without treating the other.

I have 4 days sober today from weed and about a month completely clean from alcohol.

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Naltrexone is the Vivitrol shot right? I know a few people that are on it and you aren’t able to drink any alcohol or you get sick, plus it keeps you off opiates also.

Let me ask you this if you don’t care. With us both being scizaffective how did you take psychadelics when If I would take a psychadelic I would see demons and start thinking people want mme to kill myself and could read my thoughts. I just don’t understand how a scizaffective person can take Lsd or mushrooms and actually have a good time.

Us kind of people usually like the downers or opiates to keep our anxiety, panic attacks, voices, breakdowns at bay , You know what I mean?

Not knocking you just asking. You must of been very strong minded when you took them, or just really liked flipping out on people reading your thoughts and stuff.

Either way though man good job on the 4 day’s sober. It’s one day at a time man. I’m sober from opiates, but I have taken benzos in the past and slipped with them.

I went to an Aaron Lewis Concert about 2 months ago and I popped about 14 xanax all together, Cause I wanted to black out and get stupid, but from what my wife told me I got real stupid and they kicked me out before I could hear Aaron Lewis.

I never thought they were going to black me out, I just thought I would get snippits of that night seeing the concert, but no. Blackout and acting stupid and got kicked out.

But I haven’t done them in 2 months though so like I said and you know One day at a time man, and the weed will eventually get lesser and lesser, and the alcohol too.

Great Job though man. Keep it up

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I do have a strong mind, i’ve been told that by a therapist actually word for word. She acknowledged i was schizoaffective but said i must have a strong mind. The first 8 times I did LSD was amazing…I loved it. The 9th time i was tortured under the influence of 4 1/2 potent tabs because I shorted these 3 kids $20 on a weed deal. They broke into my house and mentally moreso than physically TORTURED me. That triggered my schizoaffective. No need to say “not knocking you just asking” because I don’t think you’re knocking me at all.

That experienced was scary and every time i did LSD off meds it sent me to the hospital. Like one night I took a 10 strip in 2 trips off my meds and smoked weed and drank. I was so far gone everything was just bliss and peace and all i could see was pretty patterns…but i was hospitalized a week later i was in very bad shape. I’ve done a lot of damage to myself. And then further damage after that.

I was ill when i was in high school. My guidance counselor and teachers should have known i was. Someone once told me I was born “half crazy” and I wanted to be “Full crazy” to erase the uncertainty of being “half crazy”. Not sure if he knew what he was talking about but it makes sense to me.

The only drug I’ve ever done that never had negative effects on me is MDMA but now I’m on zoloft and it would really mess with my emotions mixing MDMA with zoloft. So sobriety is the only option for me really.

Sorry about your experience at the concert, I hope your sobriety continues. Opiates are a scary thing. I’ve lost 7 friends or acquaintances (as far as i know) in the last 2 1/2 years to heroin overdose.

Ya naltrexone is vivitrol in pill form. It didn’t really get me sick per say, but it took all the pleasure out of drinking. I loathe alcohol now. My therapist told me they will give young alcoholics naltrexone and say "go out and drink on this med, then come back to us and tell us you still like alcohol :wink: "…short story…you won’t. Thanks for your posts and thread i hope to see you around more @WesC84

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You have a strong mind like me. You can get beaten up, battered and bruised, but you get right back up and keep walking even though you don’t exactly know where it’s leading you. I do the same thing.

No matter what I choose to be happy and that has allot to do with letting God and Jesus in my life, although if you don’t believe that I’m not going to shove it down your throat and say " it’s either this or hell." Just happens to work for me man and that’s what get’s me going everyday.

Yah, I know some people on naltroxone and they can’t drink at all. Like you said you won’t like it afterwards. I’m on suboxone for my opiate use, but doing good man. And I hope you stay doing good too.

Although you have to remember man. Relapse Is Part of Recovery. Were going to mess up from time to time it will happen, but we have to get back up like you know and keep going and not look back, and let that moment take control of your life.

I have a loving wife and family too that helps me out too, so I am so blessed for that, but god bless you man, and I hope you keep doing what your doing.

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Awesome post man thanks. I’m trying to get away from Jesus and God for now because that was my delusions. i like how you say “relapse is a part of recovery” because I believe it’ll be hard for me to stay sober for the next 50 years. But if I do relapse, I’ll keep going back to AA hopefully. I think I’ll have a slip-up but will seek out AA right after hopefully rather than going on a 6 month bender before returning…i hope. Yes we are very strong!!! Glad you have support from your wife thats big. Fortunately my parents are supportive even if my mom is pretty misunderstanding and doesn’t always know the best thing to say.

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I’ve completely stopped drinking and any form of abuse towards my body. I started having such intense panic attacks when I was under the influence of anything I couldn’t actually enjoy a thing. Alcohol is the problem 100 % I know that if I get completely drunk I’ll probably end up doing some coke or something. I personally find it amazing how some people can smoke weed and have sz, maybe they have minor symptoms not sure.

I also avoid bad places. Getting sucked into a outdoor trance party can ruin 5 years of your life in a heartbeat. I don’t think I won the lottery with my jeans and am sure that while drugs played a Huge influence I definitely developed this illness from my parents.

I associate all drugs and especially alcohol with bad places and times, the panic and terror keeps me far away. I’m suppose I’m lucky due to that

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I can tell you this though man. At least be blessed you have a Mom that cares, You know what I mean. Some of us don’t even have family or anybody to reach out too. Maybe just this board. Which helps allot of people, including me.

I just discovered this board about a Month ago or alittle less, but love it. Finally found my people, that understand me and can understand the weird off the wall questions I have sometimes.

Relapse is a part of Recovery, Remember that man. Cause I can tell you know whether it is 4 months, 4 Years or 4 decades you will eventually mess up. You just have to remember to get right back into whatever helps you stop doing it, and stay there. Everyone messes up man.

Hell look at Steven Tyler the singer of Aerosmith. He was clean for 14 years, and then had one bad night, or partied too much, and got right back on Pain Pills again. So yeah that’s why I say Relapse is a part of Recovery. Everyone at least falls once, twice, maybe more than a few times, but it’s what you do after that that matters. AA sounds like it really helps you so I would focus on that, the day after you use.

Hoping the best for you BigJon. Can I ask you how old you are? You know I lived with my Mom till I was 30 years old. I met my soon to be wife around 24 years old, but didn’t move out of my Mom’s till I was around 30.

It just has to do with my scizaffective and drug abuse. I could never hold down a job to get an apt or trailer, but nothing wrong with that man, as you can see with me. Your time will come eventually when you meet a girl that you say " I love her more than anything" and once you find that don’t let it go.

No matter what you have to do to make it work , make it work, as you can see from what I did. I had my GF come down to stay with me and my Mom, and her kid would come down on the weekends, because her parents wouldn’t let us live there, and we were both on drugs.

But once we got off drugs we got an apt, and finally moved into a trailer. Yeah man no matter what don’t let that go. Plus also we was a long distance relationship at first. About 1 hour away from each other. Had to go up there everyday to hang out.

And then we split up for 6 months because of my Severe Depression and Illness. She just didn’t understand what was wrong with me so we decided to take a break till I could find myself again and get back to the Happy go lucky me, and I did with help of Medicine and we finally got back together.

Sorry for rambling man. I get like that sometimes, you should meet me in real life, I’m really loud and really in your face

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I thought the same thing too Magicfish. I really don’t know how people like us smoke weed without going to the hospital everytime they do, like I would do. I haven’t touched weed in probably 5 or more years, cause I know if I smoke it I’ll eventually have a breakdown and get hospitalized.

That actually happened to me at my Uncle’s house. He smoked a joint with me, and then I was telling him how the grass could talk to me. Eventually had to go home which I was staying with him for the summer, but that was the First day we actually went out.

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Thanks for your post…I’m 27. And I see you live in Ohio and your a bengals fan. Lol that’s the only team the Jets can ever beat…I’m a jets fan btw. But we beat you in the playoffs twice i think in 2009 and 2010…errrr that was a long time ago now I guess. Sucks being a Jets fan. Bengals had a disappoint in week 1 but i think they’ll bounce back and make the playoffs.

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A Jet’s Fan AAaaaa. You have a series of years of dissappointments. And yes I believe last year the first game of the year you actually beat us, or gave a good beat down, but we came back IDR. Yes man my Bengals team really is going to suck it up this year. With a choker at QB and no o-line we really are going to have an epic fail this year.

All the Bengals fans are calling for Daltons Head and wanting to start Aj McCarron now, which I’m really big on McCarron man. I think he has that “it” thing that Qb’s like Aaron Rodgers and Brady have. A swagger you know. And he is great in the clutch. Pretty much won us that Playoff Game in 15’ against the Squellers, when HIll coughed it up and Burfict and Jones lost it on D for us.

McCarron will be something special for sure though. We just need to get rid of Ogbuehi our LT watching the Qb’s blind side. He is rotten meat man, no good. Just need to trade for a decent LT or go get one in Free Agency Next Year.

Hopefully they’ll get Lewis out of there and all his people and We can start fresh with a New Coach Like Josh McDaniels and start fresh at QB too with McCarron. And if it takes us going 0-16 to do that then I’m all for it.

The Jets man? Really? You sure you don’t want to pick another team :wink: lol. JK man. You know you guy’s are tanking this year right trying to get Darnald in the Draft. I hope you get him. Fitzpatrick was irrattic at time’s but I did still like him,

Josh McCown has Experience, maybe that’s all he has, Bryce Petty is just a flaming dumpster garbage, and I really hope Hackenburg works out, but that doesn’t look like the case really.

You guy’s have a decent D. That was a tough loss to the Bills, but Bills are a decent team. Although just thinkk if you go 0-16 then you’ll def get Darnald

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Would parents hitting me a lot as a child count as abuse?

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[quote=“WesC84, post:11, topic:94904”]
The Jets man? Really? You sure you don’t want to pick another team :wink: lol. JK man. You know you guy’s are tanking this year right trying to get Darnald in the Draft.
[/quote]Man I’m a loyal fan, nets Jets Yankees Rangers and Uconn in both football and basketball. I picked the Nets when they had Jason kidd that was when I first started watching basketball, The Jets when I was about eight and they lost to the Broncos in the AFC title game because they were green and that’s my favorite color. And UConn football used to be decent but now they suck. At least I have the Yankees who are decent this year but yeah I stick with my teams ha ha sucks to be me and being a Jets fan. I know. Yeah we are in complete rebuilding mode, we take the definition of rebuilding to another level ha ha. I think we had a decent draft but we didn’t address the biggest needs, because I guess we will next year when we get the number one pick. I like our safety Jamall Adams he’s cool and good. The guy from LSU who said he wants to die on the field. But yeah it’s going to be a tough next couple years being a Jets fan but I’m used to it by now

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Are u guys talking about baseball?

Nvm I saw 're football word lol

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No we’re talking about football ha ha

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Well it depends. Was it abuse or was it just them hitting you for being disrespectful or hateful?

If it’s for nothing then yeah it’s abuse, but if it’s for the other then not really. Although some people consider that abuse, I personally don’t. I believe whipping a kids behind isn’t bad if there being bad, but for nothing then no. That’s wrong

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@WesC84 remember when the patriots almost moved to Connecticut. Well they did and I’m from Connecticut. I’m closer to New York than Boston but I’m in New England so technically I could be a patriots fan… Oh well . Hate the patriots like everyone else does. Also Bill Bellacheck was our coach for a day then he quit and went to New England sucks to be us

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Your right. You guy’s take rebuilding to a new level for sure Lol. Now Jamal Adams will be something special I believe. I don’t really know all the guy’s you got in draft, but I do know next year when you have the #1 draft pick you will Have Darnald like you guy’s want. I really can’t think of one guy on your guys’ team that is an pro-bowler. Maybe on your D and you got Nick Mangold too. I wouldn’t get rid of him. I would love to have that dude on my team.

Although I don’t remember the last time you guy’s went to the playoffs. I think it was with Fitzy a couple/few years ago, when he was playing good and wanted a contract extenstion. Good thing you guy’s didn’t bite on that right? lol . I don’t know what happened to Hackenburg but they just won’t start him at all. I didn’t see the potential in him coming out of College, but the good ol’ Jets Jets Jets did. I really hope you guy’s beat Browns out for #1 pick which that’s going to be your closest competition.

Although if Browns get pick would they take Darnald with having Deshone Kizer right now. IDK that depends on the season he puts up I guess. But I love Hue Jackson. Wish he would coach the Bengals Next Year, but not going to happen

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Hi and welcome to the community.

I enjoyed reading your post.

I went through some stuff as a child that I think caused a lot of my psychosis/and even caused me to quesion my own sexuality.

I’m feeling stable and on meds though.

That’s great you have a wife and children.

On a happy note: I believe love is one of the strongest medicines.

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Aww Jon man, You don’t like the Patriots? I’m a Bengals fan and I like the Patriots. You just can’t deny the Best Coach Ever working with the G.O.A.T QB. That Superbowl last year was so exciting to watch in the 2nd half. I even called it on a football forum I am on early or mid-late 2nd quarter. I called the comeback and said it was coming, and what happens. Brady leads his team down time after time, to tie it up, When the Falcons could of just ran the ball or at least a quick out pass to the sideline or middle of the field, but Ryan dropped back and got sack and then they was out of FG position and history was made

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