When I’m on my own
I want company,
When I’m in company
I want to be on my own.
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I like to think about it like a video game that has an endurance bar, depletes during activity with others, runs out, and needs to slowly recharge.
It’s an attempt to keep the balance of having reserves in case of emergency, and managing usage for benefit.
The world in its state makes me weary of putting myself out there, I know I need to try, but I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
Before COVID I had a group I’d meet with every week for dungeons and dragons, 3ish hours of play and laughs, part of me misses that. That seemed to help stave off some of the loneliness.
I know mine is self imposed. With my delusions it’s easy to self alienate. Not easy for the average person to handle a guy like me.
Wondering if the fact I try to mask my symptoms and pretend to act normal(usually failing) doesn’t drain me faster.
Exhausting to start a conversation with a lie, “how are you?” “Good”. it’s safer to mask for their sakes.
Sorry went on a bit of a rant. Be safe dude.
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Happy when they come, glad to see them go. It’s what social sensitivity is all about.
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The voices can make you feel too alone, and too crowded as well. When we recognize that we wasted our time talking to the voices in a meaningless conversation it can indeed be a lonely feeling but when you add our “head talk” to real talk we can wear down quickly. When you consider how much talking we do and how little we often achieve you see how cheap talk is.
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