I have all the comforts anybody could possibly want, but I still feel like a prisoner. I know I’m always being watched and I have to always be on my best behavior. I think this is hell. Everyone knows me and is lying. They have to be. So I can’t trust anybody. The screens watch you and talk to you, so there is never a moment to yourself. It feels like I can never catch my breath because I am never alone. Knowing that I’m always being watched has made me act crazy and irrational. Anyway, it’s not just the screens, but it’s the books too. All of reality is affected by fhis. Even in italy the whole place was part of this construct.
It feels like a lucid nightmare. Reality is completely variable and my lack of love makes it a dark place to be. My therapist sucks. I just don’t see a way out of this darkness. It seems like I just have to live in this bad dream till I die. Everything since 2012 (when I had my first psychotic break) has been horrible. Knowing that your world isn’t real takes all the fun out of everything. I could try to live in denial, but that gives people power over you and I’m not willing to give them that.
I’m a wreck and no med has fixed my perspective. I just think that I’m in hell. It’s a living nightmare and there is no way out. I don’t even know if the members on this forum are real or just the screen playing tricks on me. I could be talking to bots for all I know. I have seen ads posted by people pretending this is real and then people telling me not to look too far into it when it is a clear red flag that something is wrong. Something is wrong.
The only way that all the songs and movies could be possible is if everyone is in on it, which really makes it hell. I don’t think there is any way out either. I just feel like I’m in a cage and everyone can see me but I can’t see them. It don’t feel too great. Again, I have all the comforts in the world, but I feel like without honesty there can be no intimacy, which makes me feel really really alone. Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope someone out there understands me…
I thought it interesting when you hit Ohm’s thread. It’s like the old dire straights song. Two people think they are Jesus one of them must be wrong.
So. You can’t prove either and that is the problem. We aren’t that special. Honestly we really aren’t and it’s a brain disorder. It’s not mystical or magical. It just is. So everyone is involved in the matrix…well it’s not because I’m not and all I see is a psychotic disorder with some serious complications namely sz like.
Yeah I guess. @Om_Sadasiva and I are a lot alike, that’s why I wish we could have met up when I was in europe. I feel like we could have figured a lot out. I don’t like to act like I’m the center of the world, but I keep getting gaslit and there are very few conclusions left to draw. Maybe just some people are in on it, I don’t know. I should probably take @shutterbug ’s advice and avoid things that trigger me, but I hate to hide from the world. I don’t want to have to avoid things to protect my world view. At this point, everything triggers me. TV, music, youtube, books… I think I’ve gone too far down the rabbit hole
This is what we all understand all of us here we’ve all been there we’ve all been in the truman show / hell / in the centre part of the conspiracy Which we shouldn’t talk about because everyone knows and it’s a secret or something
I’m adding cbd isolate to my regimen today. I found a deal on bulk powder. It’s supposed to help so we’ll see. I am going to be taking an anti psychotic level dose. I hope it helps
Yeah they are using cbd as an anti psychotic in some studies. I’m going to be supplementing my invega with a high dose of it so we’ll see if it has any benefit
Just start with a few of the worst things. Don’t try and change everything at once or you’ll find you wind yourself up more in the end. And don’t just sit around and do nothing when you’re avoiding something. Do something different. I’m actually laying in some stained glass crafting supplies for this winter. Want to do it together with my wife as a shared hobby.
I think people are watching me too but it’s a religious thing for me. Maybe I should see myself alone. I just thought spirits were there for me since I’m so alone. My self induced delusion for survival. I should never be praised for living alone since 2008. It was masochism. I know I’m super clever.
I experience much the same the times I’ve smoked weed to help with my back pain. It exacerbates my sz symptoms and makes me feel like everything is watching me, as though I were on a stage. I can’t escape… even the walls were watching me. My thoughts go on a downwards spiral at that point and it causes me to think that everyone thinks I’m fake in what I do and say, and it causes me to look at a scenario that has happened and see it thru another’s eyes to see how they see me, and all of it makes me feel so fake… it’s such a horrible feeling!! No matter how much pain I’m in, I no longer smoke weed because I can’t handle the thoughts and paranoia that go thru my mind. If I put headphones on and dance or can focus on artistic things, I’m at my most artistically creative when I am under the influence of weed… but all it takes is one tiny thought to sneak in and it turns it into a nightmare. Not that it is the same that you are experiencing, especially since it sounds like it was a day to day thing for you prior to meds. But how you explained it made it sound so similar to how it is for me when I smoke weed. But even when I’m not under the influence, I don’t know if the thoughts I had during that experience were indeed a moment of clarity or genius and that is how people really see me or how the world really is and when I’m sober I’m blinded to reality?! It’s hard to differentiate and know which is true. I choose to believe that when I’m not under the influence of weed is reality, because if I choose to go with the other option then all it does is cause my stress levels and paranoia to spike and I can barely stand myself. I’d much rather go with the more peaceful option, regardless if it’s just a fake façade to whatever the truth really is.
