A little prose poetry(or whatever)

Creativity
1

This is the email I wrote right before heading for a hike in the Colorado desert with the intent of going across it. Did a 5 days bus ride to get there, and knew, somehow, that I would not make it back home. I injured my ankle before leaving for good, that’s why I’m here to post this thread. Please tell me what you think, be it technical, personnal, or artistic. (I know the ponctuation will annoy most you)

So here it goes :

"So. I will have to accept it. Whatever I do, people notice me. I am being noticed. They want me to play a part. Why talk if I don’t have anything to say? Why drama, why shame, if I don’t feel? Pour avoir la paix. Mais je ne veux pas mentir. J’aimerais n’être que moi et ne pas ressentir d’obligation envers tout le monde. (To be left alone. I would like to only be me, without feeling obligations to everyone.)

Qu’importe ma sincérité, mon ouverture. (My honesty doesn’t matter.)

Lots of misunderstanding: I speak French with English words.

I am my own legend now. And whatever what it is that it becomes, it will be another sticker to be put on “me”.

Silence is threatening. Words are threatening. Acceptance is threatening. I feel the homogeneity of the American social contract. It is tightly woven everywhere I look.

If to be with others is to be stronger, well I am weak.

I need to get in touch with me. The “me” that won’t be me anymore.

I am so white and thin in some places I can see my veins.

My skin gets cracks. Just like the land here, it needs more and more fluids but can do with less and less.

Receding. Visions I get when I’m falling asleep. Just as if a predator was after me. Dark. Greys. And blacks. Rarely any people. Just as if my soul was traveling around and some one? thing? was tracking it. Tricking it. And frightening it. So I need to come back and fast. And I’m afraid. And I need to come back. And when I wake up. I wonder. Where was I ? Who is it ? What’s going on ?

Civilization cost too much.

I need to break free. I now stand alone."

2 Likes
2

Welcome to the forum!

3

I can relate to this a lot.

The social contract of Society. I’ve used this expression myself.

I’ll tell you man/woman I just entered a life that is dominated by isolation. Willfully and I’ll tell you it has set me free, or is beginning to set me free from all the concerns that crop up when dealing with other people.

It’s a tough switch. On the second day I did have a depressive phase. I faced a lot of demons.

After a week alone it didn’t kill my thought broadcasting psychosis, but it certainly gave me a stronger sense of self and let me clear up a lot of psychological traps that the hallucinations would keep me locked into.

Sacrifices must be made. To lose the old self and current self and move on to something that is sadly more conformed to what people expect.

This is delusional, but they took who I was a turned it into something else, something that couldn’t even survive in this place. Then I had to accept that I couldn’t be the natural person I used to be ever again. It was time to get to work. And I’m still working. Learning how to craft mental states and filters. Dulling myself to stimuli and situations. Destroy this errant thinking that made my subconscious try and kill me.

Don’t lose hope. I hope you stick around the forum here. It’s a good and uplifting place, many of us can relate to the darkness you’ve experienced in psychosis or life. We actually discuss those things here.

Hopefully your feeling stronger now. There are ways to get back on track. Part of it though is accepting a different future than you thought you might have had. Still sz can accomplish great things.

I can tell you your presence will be valued here.

4

Hey, thanks for the reply. It definitely helps to find people who can relate.

5

Very strong. Thank you for sharing.