Thanks for your responses!
I had a somewhat low and negative mood when writing this, because I was in the wrong time of the month. The last days I’m actually feeling better. I’m starting to realise I actually have a lot to be thankful for. And I’m feeling somewhat happy and normal now!
I had extremely bad times the last years, with loads of self-hatred, terror, guilt, suicidality, anger, delusions, self-neglect and self-destructiveness, being forcefully locked down and drugged with high doses of meds into a demented zombie, and having my whole life shattered. Losing friends, boyfriend, job, house, money and most importantly the care for my child, because of trauma and psychosis. There have been so many moments that I thought: my life will be hell forever, I’m quitting this life.
Right now I am still struggling with accepting the emotional and cognitive side effects of meds, and the temptation of quitting, but if I take an honest look at my life: since I’m on a very low dose of meds, it’s not that bad. Maybe…it’s actually…quite good!
I’m stable and not afraid. I have moments of happiness. I started an interesting volunteering job and meeting nice people. I find myself playing and joking and even laughing with my child. whom I see much more again now. I’m building up contacts with my family and friends again and can be there for them. I even just met someone I’m dating with and this weekend I started feeling butterflies, and he seems to feel the same, and even if it doesn’t work out, I know it’s possible again. And I by accident had a superchallenging weekend, organising many things for my volunteering job, caring for my child, having a family meeting AND a date… and I survived! And did well! And I’m getting nice words from others for doing my job well and being there for them and sparkling a bit again. And - big accomplishment - after this weekend I feel actually proud of myself instead of self-destructive!
I’m still terrified of relapse and just as terrified of meds. But today I realised: hey! I’m happy! Not psychoticly euphoric thinking I’m in special contact with God, but just normal-happy. I was even singing happy songs on my bicycle. I feel almost normal! This is cool! Since I also shared my bad day-thinking, I wanted to share my hopeful happy-day-thinking as well.
I have often thought I’d stay desperate and lost forever and was ready to jump of a building many times. But now it’s better and I’ve been rethinking it all and my life isn’t so bad.
If it stays like this, I think I can actually start to like my life again.