Wow, never thought I'd get to this point

It’s been a while since I was last here, hah. Though back in June I was freaking out about my diagnosis. I felt pretty helpless back then, and spent my entire summer sitting in my room crying or going to the doctor, but now, I’m not feeling so helpless anymore.

When I first was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia, things were not exactly going so well for me. Delusions kept getting worse, and around people I was usually so comfortable around I kept feeling helpless and even terrified of them. They could be complimenting my art but everything got twisted into insult after insult and murderous words that I wouldn’t dare repeat to anyone. I lost a lot of friends when I got the strength to tell people about being Schizophrenic.

…But I guess the idea of “Everything happens for a reason” might not be myth after all.

At the start of School, I got a new psychiatrist after the old one I originally went to moved. I was terrified at the thought of getting to know somebody new, but I’m ever so thankful for the change. I’m not treated like I I’m crazy anymore. Instead of being asked ‘Oh what voices did you hear today? What’d they say?’ He asks ‘So how many times did you manage to get through a hallucination or a delusion today?’ We very seldom ever talk about the content of what I see or here, it’s just the fact that I’m managing through it that gets emphasized.

But it isn’t just the fact that I’m not being treated like a psycho that’s making life better for me. I got into college. Even after telling the interviewers that I’m Schizophrenic, even after admitting that I haven’t been on medication that long and that I’m still not to the point where I can guarantee mental stability they just said they didn’t even care and invited me anyway with a scholarship. A scholarship. And here I was scared I’d get no where once people found out. God I’m tearing up just writing this-

Heck, college and a new doctor still doesn’t even cover it. In about July I admitted to my now old friends that I was schizophrenic. Most of them either called me a liar or just slowly stopped correspondence and proved this point on the day school started in August. You can imagine that absolutely killed what little fighting spirit I had left back then. It took a month this school year just for me to get better. How I got better? I met the friends that have now. I haven’t exactly had a breakdown around them yet, (though they do tend to deal with my unstable mood following one) but they’re the first people I’ve met outside of the internet and the people in the meetings I go to every Friday who don’t look at me like I’m some weirdo who doesn’t belong.

My parents have even changed so much and not even a full year has passed yet - Heck, only one semester of school has passed. They used to look like they pitied me almost, sometimes even afraid. But in one of my slumps during first semester I somehow managed to set my mom off and she slapped me. I called it Child Abuse but looking back on it now I call it the first step to my recovery. I had a lot of understanding from the talk circle and the psychiatrist, but I wasn’t yet willing to face the outside world.

…That is until I somehow managed to piss my mom off and got slapped for it. I don’t quite remember what I did but the slap had the opposite effect of what I thought it should. The effect is all I remember from it. It shattered that train of thought entirely, left me kind of stunned, and gave her just enough time to yank me out the front door. Had she not, I don’t think I would be where I am right now. I don’t have a lot of free time to sit around anymore. Unless it’s a massive psychotic breakdown, I’m forced to go out and be part of society. Youth Groups, Karate, Dance Class, so many more things. Whether it’s to keep my mind off the lingering thoughts or to make me realize that I’m just as human as the next I don’t know. Maybe it’s both. What I do know is that each day I walk out the door I feel stronger.

But so much more has happened that I never would have thought possible.

  • I got elected as the Anime Club leader.
  • I was able to go to a concert and not freak out.
  • I got Academic Achievement first semester - STRAIGHT A’s.
  • I got asked out to prom by the darn Homecoming King.
  • I was able to focus enough to learn to play the piano.
  • I’m on a Trivia team and I kick butt at history stuff!

I thought my diagnosis was like falling down a neverending hole. I’m starting to realize that isn’t so much the case anymore. I’m slowly climbing back out of it, and sure, I have days where the voices and the sights are unbearable, we all do. But at this point I’ve realized that I can’t sit down and cry about it. I give myself a few minutes of tears then I force myself to get up and move on.


But how did I randomly come to function?
I credit it to a lot of things.

My parents, who won’t let me hide away from society. Even during a psychotic episode they give me my time but the moment I have even the slightest connection with reality again they force me to embrace it and not shy away from it.

The support circle, the ones who know the pain and can relate to the struggles and the fears. It was a reality check, honestly. I saw all sorts of people and still see different types now. What really got me was when this one person walked in. They probably had no idea any of us were present. The man had his sister with him. When she sat him down, she talked about him. He had given up, to say the least. He had stopped taking his medication, dropped out of school entirely, got hooked on drugs in attempt to make himself feel better, stopped trying to be social, stayed in his room all day, and eventually was just kicked out because his parents couldn’t deal with it. But the two words that stuck with me were “Gave Up”.

As bad as this sounds, myself. My Psychiatrist told me to take pictures of myself daily. It sounded stupid but I was willing to try anything when he suggested it. At first, I didn’t see a difference. But I do now. I looked depressed in my old pictures. Malnourished from when I was too upset to eat, blank eyes from where I gave up. Then I compare those old ones to the pictures I have now. I guess you can say there’s more light in my eyes? I know I definitely feel a heck of a lot better. But the pictures are minor compared to the thing that I have tacked onto my door. When I was about eight, we had to write about what we wanted to do when we grew up. For me, I wanted to be a Lawyer like my uncle, so I admired so much. I didn’t let it become a forgotten dream - I’ve made it the freaking drive behind fighting for success. My own family straight up told me “You’re schizophrenic honey… Just find a nice husband and settle down. You can’t get a job this way.” …Yeah, not happening. I’m aiming to prove that I can. And considering this “Crazy Person” got the scholarship their grades were too low for… Bring it.


So here’s to my future good days, my future terrible days, and everything in between. Now I have to go, Karate starts in thirty. Hopefully the next time I show up, I’ll be screaming about Freshman year in college.

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Sounds like your on the right track. Awesome to hear when someone wins the battle. Good luck in recovery and management. Keep living your life to the fullest.

**Such good news! You should be very proud. You ahve a strong will, and sometimes that`s all it takes :sunny: **

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Lots of :purple_heart:'s.

Thank you for coming back and updating us on your progress and what awesome progress!

Looking forward to you screaming about Freshman year :smile: