Hi, I’m new here and have only been schizoaffective for a year and a half. I’m still learning what this means to me but the thing I want to learn is when is the right time to tell a potential romantic interest that I have sza?
I have been on a dating site and have talked to a few people and we get on great but I tell them and it scares them off, am I telling them too soon? Or is it better to tell them sooner so it doesn’t hurt as much if they do decide they dont want to deal with it?
With my husband, I waited until date number three. That way, he had a chance to get to know me and see I wasn’t a serial killer. The stigma is real. It’s never good to lead with your flaws in a dating scenario. I’m not saying to hide them or lie, but just make sure people have a chance to get to know you at your best, before they see you at your worst.
I think you should try to your level best to be normal, and make you interactions normal. When your are doing normal things then you have to trust your conscience. The time to tell a person that you are living with this thing is when you are sure that you can receive sympathies.
Being honest sometimes can’t take you anywhere
A friend once got the dating advice: “dont let all the crazy out at once”. Gradually sharing works better for me, most of the times.
I tend to test the waters first with a joke, a hint, a little drop of information. If people are judgemental, it shows in their response, and they are not my match. If they are accepting and openminded, great, I can open up more.
I often early on get questions that need some opening up (whats your job, where is the father of your child). I tend to answer vaguely in the very beginning. I mainly share that I had a rough period and I like to explain more when we know eachother better. That way I am honest, they know I need to tell something, but I don’t need to get all personal yet.
In the first dates I build up what I tell, matching how open they are. If they are not opening up, neither am I. If they are, I will too. I don’t want to be the only one who is “naked”. They don’t have a right to know my diagnosis, I share it when it is comfortable for me.
I prefer to not say a diagnosis, but to describe my factual issues in normal words first. E.g. I start by telling that I went through scary circumstances, this made me very afraid, until I really couldn’t deal anymore and got irrational fears as well. That I can function now, but sometimes I still get anxious or sad. People tend to understand that better. They will ask questions and I can explain in my own way. I need to be comfortable before I use the word psychosis and supercomfortable before I talk about the schizophrenia thing. Somehow diagnoses have all these ideas attached that are not me, but a picture in someones head based on scary movies and news articles.
And again, the judgemental people are not my match. There are lots of people in the dating world who are not normal either and not looking for someone who is normal. I have had people be superrelieved about my honest sharing and responding by telling me about their autism, their bipolar, their depression.
That is just me though…
Summary: I share more and more gradually, fitting to the level of openness and acceptance I sense on their side, and I describe my own experiences in normal words rather than a label. Many people are open and not too normal theirselves either.
If what you are doing is natural and easy you can call that normal. Just have positive principals that can make you earn respect and happy life. Those are normals in life of positive minded person
I say it’s nobody’s business. I tell no one about my illness, sza. But then, I don’t date anyone either. My ex gf is sza herself. I have no intention to date in the future. I’m so done with it.
Thanks for the replies everyone. I’ve definitely been telling people too soon.
As far as it not being anybody’s business, I can see that point of view, but eventually if I ever have a significant other they would start to ask questions about why I am the way I am. I would never want to lie.
Well, my tattoo artist mentioned his anxiety, panic attacks and depression. So I also confessed that I have psychosis. He asked what it is. So I told him schizophrenia