Weird idea - is this stupid? TW

Unusual Beliefs
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I think of leaving for a small place in nature. To do trauma work in silence. For a few months. Or even forever.

It may sound weird but…

  1. I’m always afraid I harm kid in a delusion. I want him protected from myself.

  2. Dad has issues too. Kid lives there. I cannot protect him. Dad doesn’t want to look at himself. And forever triggers me into psychosis. I trigger him too. This might give us all a break.

  3. I don’t trust meds to prevent the above. Especially longterm. I want to do serieus trauma work.

  4. The alternative coming to mind more and more is suicide. But it is better for kid to have a hermit mum than a dead mum. I think.

  5. Cps doesn’t help. They can’t see past my psychosis and understand the full situation.

Is this crazy? What are the pros and cons?

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I suffer this extreme fear as well. Let’s talk about it. I would like to hear what the community has to say

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Like not trusting yourself because of the experiences you’ve had where you disassociated from your normative behavior

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Yeah, I’d love to hear how people deal with this. Thanks for the recognition.

Im tempted to take myself away from others, because I find family hard to deal with. But also I fear harming someone.

Even in severe delusion, I still do not want to hurt people. But maybe I will because my judgement is off.

On the other hand…my healthy neighbour could have a heart attack and drive the car full of kids against a tree…his wife could have a sudden childbirth psychosis…it’s part of life…but. :-/

@moonbeam @ninjastar can this be moved to unusual beliefs? Maybe it is triggering?

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Are you not on meds @anon21280033?

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Yes, I am, on a low dose.

I just can’t tolerate them well. I’m very aware of how meds impact my functioning. Even with meds my thinking is not mine. I’m much less clearheaded.

And I’m terrified of having a breakthrough psychosis or developing tolerance. I don’t trust them to prevent psychosis, I guess.

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When I was deep in psychosis I was thinking of moving anywhere, the woods, wherever just to get away. Now I’m on medicine I am so glad I did not do it. It is important to talk with someone to dissolve your fears. It is never as bad as it seems inside.

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Thanks. I hope it isn’t as bad indeed. It’s scary inside my mind sometimes. :neutral_face:

There have also been a few stressful events lately with dad and others.

A few texts and people spoke to me about not fighting or fleeing. But staying still. I really want to fight and flight though. My mind is just not a fun place to be at this moment.

I kind of wish that if everything is calm around me…my mind will be calm as well.

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Sometimes a change of scene is really helpful, a getaway for a fresh change and perspective, to think things through in a new light. It helps me even for getting out into nature for a while :evergreen_tree:

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Maybe I should just take kid to a long walk in the forest tomorrow. To start with.

I have some duties now. But maybe I can also stay on a campsite for a week or two after. I can always decide to be a forever hermit after. :slight_smile:

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That sounds like a great idea for you both, to go hiking is always a good time. Seems kds get a good connection with themselves there too.

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i wanna do this so bad. forever

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Sorting out your meds isn’t rocket science. It’s better than being dead. You’ll have to put up with some side effects as a trade off for not being a danger to yourself or your child or others.

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I use meds.

I haven’t been genuinely psychotic for a while. But I have severe depression and memory loss as a side effect, which also doesnt make me a better mum. And I’ve been recommended by a doc to not use meds because of the dangerous thrombosis it gave me repeatedly. So it is a bit of rocket science.

Trade off is not between psychosis and a bit of side effects, but between psychosis and possibly dying of lung embolism.

And I know there’s always a possibility of break through psychosis. I’ve read a large deal of people get this. I’ve seen it in a loved one too. And in self. And I know and feel tolerance builds over time quickly.

Meds just aren’t a 100% safe.

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@anon21280033
I wish you the best moving forward. I am also terrified of my psychotic behavior. I have been ill since 2015 and my last episode, just 2 1/2 months ago, was my worst. My behavior was dangerous, erratic, crazy and unacceptable. I was hospitalized for 3 weeks. I am also on a low dose of meds and have bad side effects, but I HAVE to keep taking them. Something awful could actually happen.
I understand your fear.

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Sorry that happened.

I do take meds, don’t worry. And consider upping them. I just don’t really stabilise on them (mood wise) and my doc really doesn’t want me on a mood stabiliser.

I also don’t trust they prevent psychosis 100%.

And I’m scared of embolism. It happened three times.

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Longterm effects just aren’t all that clear. I do not trust them to prevent psychosis.

“The question about effects and adverse effects of long-term treatment (longer than two years) with antipsychotics is difficult to answer, even with the best research methods”

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im at 17 years combined total of APs. feel brain damaged and sure ive lost IQ points. cant be sure why tho.

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Sorry you feel that way. Same for me. I’m really not going off meds, because of the high risk in the first phase of withdrawal, that I really do not want (for others).

But I’m truly not sure what would be best in the long run. Docs are generally simpleminded: drugs are good!

But not even the best research can answer my genuine question: do drugs help or harm in the long run?

I guess I just really don’t trust docs anymore because they lied so much. And want to see hard facts.

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The research says people off meds have less positive and negative symptoms.

But is that because people off meds have less symptoms…or people with less symptoms are off meds? :woman_shrugging:

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