Okay so it’s been a while since I’ve been on but I’ve successfully discharged from the program I was in and transitioned back into mainstream schooling. This is my second week of full days, and no major hiccups! So far I like the classes though one of the teachers gets on my nerves but what do you do? I’ve also made a few new friends, and they are totally awesome. They don’t know all that’s happened in the past couple years, though one of my friends and I did get on the topic of anxiety, and depression, which they had struggled with in the past, so I shared a little bit on how I had struggled with anxiety and depression too. Though we both still kind of struggle with anxiety, it’s gotten better for the both of us. As to how we got on that particular topic, look below.
Okay now for my rambling section? If that’s what it could be called. In here I will mention a couple topics that could possibly be triggering to some. So first thing is this game that my younger brother told me about. He had said that if anyone asks you if you want to play ‘Firetruck’ to say no. This is why, apparently it’s a game where another person puts their hand on your foot or ankle, and says say red light when you want me to stop. They then slowly move their hand up your leg. When you say red light, they reply with ‘Fire trucks don’t stop for red lights.’ After this they would stop moving their hand but they’d laugh about it because it’s a ‘game.’ I told my younger brother that it’s not an okay game to play, and to not play it. It really made me mad too because it’s making a joke out of rape, and I really don’t see how in any universe that could be a joke.
Well then today I was in a study hall and I heard this kid talking. These weren’t his exact words since I don’t remember his exact words but it went something like this “Hey do you remember when (Somebody’s name) got mad at me because I was laughing and joking about their friend who committed suicide?” This really got me mad because that’s not a joke either and he said it in such a way that made it sound as though he thought that the person that got mad at him had no reason to be mad. I didn’t say anything though because I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere in the angered state I was in. I was telling my friend about it and that’s how we got on the topic of depression and anxiety.
Anyways then I was thinking, because the night before I was wondering what was driving my anger because it’s only a secondary emotion. There was frustration but then there was this really big emotion that I couldn’t name. But it was big and it was what was creating the anger. As I was walking through the school today thinking about what the guy said, I realized what it was. The word that came to me was grief. And I realized that I wasn’t mad at him and at the game, and at the world. But rather I grieve for it. I feel sad for the guy that said those things about suicide, because it seems to me that nobody showed him what compassion and empathy are. That he doesn’t know how to show and hove those because nobody showed them to him, and it makes me feel sick to think that anybody would have to go without those. I grieve for the kids that play the game, because it seems that the same goes for them, nobody showed them compassion, so how would they know it? I wish there was some way I could show it to them. I know that the guy probably wouldn’t understand it, but I’m going to go to him tomorrow and tell him that I’m sorry that he wasn’t able to know those two things. Concsiously it might not do anything, but it just might strike something in his subconcious.
Well other then those two incidents all’s been pretty good, and in a way they’ve helped me, now I know what that emotion is instead of just feeling anger. It sucks sometimes that I feel everything so deeply but I also think it’s a gift, cause then I can maybe help out people like these. And I also hope that all made sense. Sorry it was a lot.
i couldnt read the large part but i am glad you are back at school and getting on with things best you can, its great that you have made some friends and helping them too, keep up the great work 